As I just read my last post which was over two months ago, we just finished hosting a fundraiser for my sister, she is halfway through her chemo and radiation treatments and I am still battling with my demons!
The mental and emotional toll that this whole "my sister has cancer" thing has been unbelievable. Most nights I have gone to be telling GOD that I am sorry for being so bad. OK, I will just come out and say it. My family decided to host this huge benefit to help my sister financially. She not only will have some medical bills to contend with, but also a loss of income during her short term disability. OK, here it is! I have gone through financial tragedy in my life also. Where was all the care and concern from my family then! Why did they choose to not help me but have spent the last 6 weeks painstakingly organizing this fundraiser for her? Checks are coming in from everywhere! Money is just piling on and I feel totally and utterly ashamed of myself that I feel this way.
Do we as a society, feel that a health tragedy is somewhat more of a tragedy than others? Do we feel like we want to do everything we can to help stabalize someone's financial life if they appeared to have done everything "right"? If we deem someone "got what they deserved when their financial life fell apart, is then the decision made to "not help"?
Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to work my ass off hosting a benefit to raise money for my sister when my own financial life is still very difficult? And I feel like I should be bigger than this. I feel like I should appreciate what WAS done for us (and I do) and just let this go. I really should, so why is it so hard?
I can not tell you how many times people came up to me and said "I can't believe this happened to HER. She just lost all that weight and was so healthy!" And I want so bad to say "So others who have extra weight somehow deserve to have cancer more than others who have lost weight/" Come on people! What if this stupid dieting stuff is what causes cancer! What if the hatred and self loathing that goes along with making the decision to diet and dieting itself causes cancer cells to wake up? You truly and honestly have to get a point of hatred and disappointment with your body to even begin a diet and then the deprivation that last during the diet is another factor.
Being healthy means being free of compulsions. If you have a weight issue, it is usually due to a compulsion. Using food for anything else but nourishment is compulsive. Many people use other things to numb themselves. Being healthy and being a certain size do not go hand in hand, however, our society would like to make you think so.
And then there is the mind/body thing. I have realized both before and during my sister's battle with cancer, that you can spend all your extra time and money on your physical body but when it comes down to it, your mind is what is going to heal your body. So why would you not spend more time on your soul and spirituality than perfecting the body?
I continue to ask GOD to heal my sister as well as myself because this has brought up a whole new list of stuff that I need to fix about myself.
