This question seems to be the way of the day. I feel like I am surrounded by some hidden book somewhere that lists what the "right" way to live is and that the reward for living "right" is never having anything bad happen to you. Just picture it, something tragic or bad happens to someone you know and the line begins to form of all the people who just knew what they did wrong in their life to warrant the situation. As they are touching their chin, they say "Well if they would not have done such and such, this would have never happened" or "They had it coming because they did such and such and shouldn't have". And it is in that momemt that we lose who we are as human beings. It is in that moment that we become what is wrong in our world.
If you eat in a certain way, you will be healthy.
If you excersize a certain amount of time, you won't be overweight.
If you go to the right high school, you will get in the best college.
If you go to the right college, you will get a good job.
If you get a good job, you will make alot of money.
If you make alot of money, you will never suffer financially.
If you make alot of money, everyone else will look up to you and want what you have.
If you raise your kids a certain way, they will be perfect and you will be a perfect parent.
If you marry the right man/woman your life will be perfect.
If you drive a new car, you won't have car trouble.
If you never risk any of your money, you will always be safe.
If you never go outside of the box that you are supposed to be in because of what you were born in to, you will be safe.
If you are thin, you are healthy.
If you are fat, you are unhealthy.
If you are thin and considered to be healthy, nothing bad will happen to your health.
If you do things the way everyone else does things and something bad happens, people will come out of the woodwork to help.
If you do things unlike the way everyone else does things and something bad happens, people will hide from you and hope to GOD you will not ask them for help.
And so it is...people who think that they have done everything "right" think that they are entitled to a life with very few problems. I have to go back during my sister's battle with cancer. I can not tell you how many people I ran into that said to me, "I just can't believe this happened to her. She just lost all that weight." And I just wanted to say, "As opposed to all the people who are overweight! Does that somehow make them more deserving to get cancer/" Again, that is where the compassion line gets drawn.
I ofter wonder that if something happened to my health or if I died, would people think I deserved it because I have battled with being overweight my whole adult life. Is battling cancer somehow more significant than the person who battles with obesity or who battles with type one diabetes? I think most people would answer yes because they look at things according to whether they deem something as "self inflicted". And there again is where compassion for your fellow man, stops short.
Choosing to be compassionate means holding back your own judgements and realizing that someone you love is hurting. It is not for us to decide whether they have a right to be hurting according to our own list of what living "right" consists of. But is for us to have compassion that they are hurting period and what can we do to ease the pain.
When we lost our house, I wasn't looking for anyone to bail us out or give us money. But what I would have appreciated was that those who I thought loved me, would love me enough to just talk to me about it. Talk to my kids about it. Talk to my husband about it. Talk about how it felt to go through something like this. Don't get me wrong, I did have some people that are close to me do things for me during that time that I truly appreciated and will never forget. But it is those people that I thought I was close to that stayed away from me, that really hurt. To be quite honest with you, I have never yet gotten over it. I still feel like I walk around with a big chip on my shoulder saying "why weren't you there for me". I try really hard to put it past me, but it is still there. How many others experience this? How many others feel shame about their situation of "bad luck" when they see others reaching out to do whatever they can to help someone else's bad luck? It all comes down to what situations people think are due from living "right" or living "wrong".
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A week away from 50!
Here I am, a week away from turning 50 and I feel the time is closing in on me. Mind you, I am not worried about it or anything, I am just observing many things. Since my body is currently overweight, I wonder about the inability to do many things. I seem to run out of energy very quickly and the thought of doing some things frightens me. Like, I would like to join the Mother's Club at my son's High School but it is a very active club that hosts many events. I am at the point in my life that I do not like to be physically uncomfortable like standing for too long or being hot. If I have to deal with that, I do not want to do it. I do not know if it is this age or my physical condition or both that causes me to shy away from things like that.
So many changes. So many things change. So many things I want to change. So many things that seem like they will never change!
I walk past a mirror and I do not recognize myself. I have aged, I have grown bigger. But when I am walking around in this body, I picture myself from 20 years ago. The image I have of myself and the reality of myself are totally different right now. It is no longer very important about the way I look. Who is it that I want to attract? Pretty much, nobody. I do not think that anyone has even really looked at me for 5 years or so. The other day my friend Colleen, was examining my new red hair and I noticed that she really took the time to look at me. It felt good! (oh, Colleen, what would I do without you!)
I no longer long to BE SOMEONE and accomplish something huge. Instead I want my accomplishments to be simple. I want people to want me to be around them. I want the GOD in me to come shining through with everyone I look at. I want everyone I come in contact with want to have the GOD in them come shining through just by being in my presence.
I sit with an elderly woman who will be turning 92 soon. She tells me, in all her wisdom, that life begins at 50! She did not tell me why, she just told me that in 40 years I would agree.
I think that at momentous times of your life, like that with big birthdays, you take time to step back and look at your life. You no longer want that which is not making you richer. Not with money, but with sheer value. Like you no longer have patience to spend time with people who you do not like to be around. In years past, you do because you think you have to. When spirituality is a huge part of your life and thinking process, it is almost irritating to be with people who do not posess it and do not care to possess it. Your awareness seems to change and you start recognizing that some people who you thought were so spiritually connected, in fact are not and others that you thought were very spiritually disconnected have this hidden quality that you never knew. Sometimes it can be a disturbing discovery and sometimes it can be quite nice.
You think you have all the time in the world to teach your children about the things that really matter. You wait until they are older and can understand more. The problem is that when they get to the point where they can understand more, ist the exact age that they do not want to listen to anything you have to say. Then you feel like you are running out of time. Like every time you can't control your anger and you yell at them, you think you have plenty of time to make it up to them. Then you get to be this age and you realize that every day they have where they are perfectly healthy and able to think clearly, is truly a gift. Because you know that becoming an adult with all the crap that comes along with it, is just around the corner and that then is when real problems come alive. And you also know that it is going to take until they turn about 50 to have a value on life that throws away all the things that do not really matter!
After recently watching my younger sister fight tongue cancer, I have come to the conclusion that we should treat everyone in our lives as if they havc cancer (or maybe not). I say this not to make anyone mad at me or minimize how grave of a situation fighting cancer is but to take a closer look at how we deal with the people close to us in our lives. We are constantly judging what they are doing, decisions they are making in their lives, people they choose to spend time with as well as many other things. We are so quick to jump in and tell them what they should and should not do, what is safe and what isn't and determine a possible consequence to their decision especially if it goes outside the boundaries of our own experiences. When someone close to you has cancer, you interfere as little as possible. You are so very careful about what you say to them because you do not want to make the situation any more difficult. No matter how rediculous some of their decisions seem to you, you keep your mouth shut because you feel that what they are going through is hard enough, you do not want to make iany more waves in their life. You want them to be so strong, not only physically but spiritualy and emotionally. You don'e care about their physical looks or judge them for it. You pray for them every day. You don't judge the cancer as if they deserved to get it because they didn't do everything right in their lives. Instead, you have compassion for what is happening to them and feel that you would do anything to take their pain away. You try to be the hero in their life by thinking of ways that will help them get through. You are concerned about how the situation will effect their financial life and don't think it is fair that they suffer financially because of this. No matter how wrong you think some of their decisions are, you step lightly in speaking about them or you do not step at all. You defend their decisions to anyone who shows any opposition.
Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer. Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them. Almost everyone has. But did we treat them the same way we treat someone with cancer? Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes? Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer? It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives? Where did the lines get drawn? What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck? Or is it luck at all? If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body? Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something? Don't we realize that things happen to us all? No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!
Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer. But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives. What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us. He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A. The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know. The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else! We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs. If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live. Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion. We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.
So many changes. So many things change. So many things I want to change. So many things that seem like they will never change!
I walk past a mirror and I do not recognize myself. I have aged, I have grown bigger. But when I am walking around in this body, I picture myself from 20 years ago. The image I have of myself and the reality of myself are totally different right now. It is no longer very important about the way I look. Who is it that I want to attract? Pretty much, nobody. I do not think that anyone has even really looked at me for 5 years or so. The other day my friend Colleen, was examining my new red hair and I noticed that she really took the time to look at me. It felt good! (oh, Colleen, what would I do without you!)
I no longer long to BE SOMEONE and accomplish something huge. Instead I want my accomplishments to be simple. I want people to want me to be around them. I want the GOD in me to come shining through with everyone I look at. I want everyone I come in contact with want to have the GOD in them come shining through just by being in my presence.
I sit with an elderly woman who will be turning 92 soon. She tells me, in all her wisdom, that life begins at 50! She did not tell me why, she just told me that in 40 years I would agree.
I think that at momentous times of your life, like that with big birthdays, you take time to step back and look at your life. You no longer want that which is not making you richer. Not with money, but with sheer value. Like you no longer have patience to spend time with people who you do not like to be around. In years past, you do because you think you have to. When spirituality is a huge part of your life and thinking process, it is almost irritating to be with people who do not posess it and do not care to possess it. Your awareness seems to change and you start recognizing that some people who you thought were so spiritually connected, in fact are not and others that you thought were very spiritually disconnected have this hidden quality that you never knew. Sometimes it can be a disturbing discovery and sometimes it can be quite nice.
You think you have all the time in the world to teach your children about the things that really matter. You wait until they are older and can understand more. The problem is that when they get to the point where they can understand more, ist the exact age that they do not want to listen to anything you have to say. Then you feel like you are running out of time. Like every time you can't control your anger and you yell at them, you think you have plenty of time to make it up to them. Then you get to be this age and you realize that every day they have where they are perfectly healthy and able to think clearly, is truly a gift. Because you know that becoming an adult with all the crap that comes along with it, is just around the corner and that then is when real problems come alive. And you also know that it is going to take until they turn about 50 to have a value on life that throws away all the things that do not really matter!
After recently watching my younger sister fight tongue cancer, I have come to the conclusion that we should treat everyone in our lives as if they havc cancer (or maybe not). I say this not to make anyone mad at me or minimize how grave of a situation fighting cancer is but to take a closer look at how we deal with the people close to us in our lives. We are constantly judging what they are doing, decisions they are making in their lives, people they choose to spend time with as well as many other things. We are so quick to jump in and tell them what they should and should not do, what is safe and what isn't and determine a possible consequence to their decision especially if it goes outside the boundaries of our own experiences. When someone close to you has cancer, you interfere as little as possible. You are so very careful about what you say to them because you do not want to make the situation any more difficult. No matter how rediculous some of their decisions seem to you, you keep your mouth shut because you feel that what they are going through is hard enough, you do not want to make iany more waves in their life. You want them to be so strong, not only physically but spiritualy and emotionally. You don'e care about their physical looks or judge them for it. You pray for them every day. You don't judge the cancer as if they deserved to get it because they didn't do everything right in their lives. Instead, you have compassion for what is happening to them and feel that you would do anything to take their pain away. You try to be the hero in their life by thinking of ways that will help them get through. You are concerned about how the situation will effect their financial life and don't think it is fair that they suffer financially because of this. No matter how wrong you think some of their decisions are, you step lightly in speaking about them or you do not step at all. You defend their decisions to anyone who shows any opposition.
Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer. Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them. Almost everyone has. But did we treat them the same way we treat someone with cancer? Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes? Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer? It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives? Where did the lines get drawn? What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck? Or is it luck at all? If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body? Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something? Don't we realize that things happen to us all? No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!
Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer. But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives. What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us. He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A. The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know. The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else! We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs. If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live. Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion. We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.
We should treat everyone in our lives as if they have Cancer!
After recently watching my younger sister fight tongue cancer, I have come to the conclusion that we should treat everyone in our lives as if they havc cancer (or maybe not). I say this not to make anyone mad at me or minimize how grave of a situation fighting cancer is but to take a closer look at how we deal with the people close to us in our lives. We are constantly judging what they are doing, decisions they are making in their lives, people they choose to spend time with as well as many other things. We are so quick to jump in and tell them what they should and should not do, what is safe and what isn't and determine a possible consequence to their decision especially if it goes outside the boundaries of our own experiences. When someone close to you has cancer, you interfere as little as possible. You are so very careful about what you say to them because you do not want to make the situation any more difficult. No matter how rediculous some of their decisions seem to you, you keep your mouth shut because you feel that what they are going through is hard enough, you do not want to make iany more waves in their life. You want them to be so strong, not only physically but spiritualy and emotionally. You don'e care about their physical looks or judge them for it. You pray for them every day. You don't judge the cancer as if they deserved to get it because they didn't do everything right in their lives. Instead, you have compassion for what is happening to them and feel that you would do anything to take their pain away. You try to be the hero in their life by thinking of ways that will help them get through. You are concerned about how the situation will effect their financial life and don't think it is fair that they suffer financially because of this. No matter how wrong you think some of their decisions are, you step lightly in speaking about them or you do not step at all. You defend their decisions to anyone who shows any opposition.
Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer. Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them. Almost everyone has. But did we treat them the same way we treat someone with cancer? Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes? Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer? It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives? Where did the lines get drawn? What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck? Or is it luck at all? If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body? Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something? Don't we realize that things happen to us all? No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!
Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer. But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives. What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us. He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A. The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know. The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else! We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs. If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live. Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion. We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.
Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer. Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them. Almost everyone has. But did we treat them the same way we treat someone with cancer? Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes? Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer? It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives? Where did the lines get drawn? What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control? Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck? Or is it luck at all? If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body? Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something? Don't we realize that things happen to us all? No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!
Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer. But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives. What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us. He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A. The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know. The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else! We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs. If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live. Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion. We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.
Monday, August 8, 2011
30 days before turning 50!
My very good friend Colleen, cantacted me about a month ago and asked what I was doing on July 20. Oh, the usual, get up, go to work, come home. She asked if I could arrange to go into work late that day because it was my 50 before 50. She decided that we were going to do something at 50 before 50, 40 before 50, 30 before 50, 20 before 50, 10 before 50 and on 50. She doesn't tell me what we are doing until that day which just leaves me in eager and excited anticipation!
I decided to take that same theme and write on my blog about the 30 days before turning 50.
Mind you, I am not freaking out about turning 50. All my friends have just about already been there and when I look at their faces, I see the same faces I saw of them in high school. I do not feel 50, although I do not know what it is to feel 50. My mindset is that of this is a turning point in my life. This is the time where I can make some changes because I am thinking more about the changes in my age. I can start some new things that I have always wanted to try. Like dying my hair red, breaking free of the whiny, complaining woman that I have been since turning 40 and really being the servant to GOD the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. George MacDonald wrote, "Which one is the possessor of heaven and earth: He who has a thousand houses, or he who, with no house to call his own, has ten at which his knock arouses instant juilation?" Now that is the change that I am talking about!
Besides all the funny things that happen when we age, life is good. I am noticing people my age have a harder time remembering who they have said things to so I hear the same stories twice sometimes but the good thing about this age, is that we have the patience to listen to the story twice and the understanding that I coul do the same thing, so just listen.
The electronic age is halfway in our lives and halfway out. The other day my friend Colleen said that she was having a hard time texting because she was trying to send a message to a friend that was out of town and the message kept creating an error message. The error message stated something about the area code. So Colleen thought that maybe it was not going through because her friend was out of town. I promptly informed her that to send a text message on her cell phone, the phone number in her address book needed to include the area code (something my generation doesn't think about). I then confessed to her that I have no idea how to include numbers in my text messages. If someone asks me to text a phone number to them, I have to spell out the numbers. Colleen and I laughed and laughed at all of this!
I decided to take that same theme and write on my blog about the 30 days before turning 50.
Mind you, I am not freaking out about turning 50. All my friends have just about already been there and when I look at their faces, I see the same faces I saw of them in high school. I do not feel 50, although I do not know what it is to feel 50. My mindset is that of this is a turning point in my life. This is the time where I can make some changes because I am thinking more about the changes in my age. I can start some new things that I have always wanted to try. Like dying my hair red, breaking free of the whiny, complaining woman that I have been since turning 40 and really being the servant to GOD the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. George MacDonald wrote, "Which one is the possessor of heaven and earth: He who has a thousand houses, or he who, with no house to call his own, has ten at which his knock arouses instant juilation?" Now that is the change that I am talking about!
Besides all the funny things that happen when we age, life is good. I am noticing people my age have a harder time remembering who they have said things to so I hear the same stories twice sometimes but the good thing about this age, is that we have the patience to listen to the story twice and the understanding that I coul do the same thing, so just listen.
The electronic age is halfway in our lives and halfway out. The other day my friend Colleen said that she was having a hard time texting because she was trying to send a message to a friend that was out of town and the message kept creating an error message. The error message stated something about the area code. So Colleen thought that maybe it was not going through because her friend was out of town. I promptly informed her that to send a text message on her cell phone, the phone number in her address book needed to include the area code (something my generation doesn't think about). I then confessed to her that I have no idea how to include numbers in my text messages. If someone asks me to text a phone number to them, I have to spell out the numbers. Colleen and I laughed and laughed at all of this!
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