After spending the majority of the weekend with my family members, I find that I am a bit off today. My husband asked me what was going on and I really could not put my finger on it. We had a "Girls" weekend in celebrating my Mom's 74th birthday. We rented a hotel room on the Main Street of St. Charles. We had dinner and then went back to the hotel where conversation was rather stimulating. There was kind of an intervention with my Mom regarding the state of my Dad's health and the reality it posed for her. I was just thankful (or hopeful I don't know which) that weight loss was not an issue. Maybe all my family members have talked about not talking about it in front of me. Who knows!
Then the conversation turned into a spiritual/religious conversation. The amazing thing I found is that even though we were all raised in the same household with the same parents, we have very different views about our Lord and Savior. I listened mostly to what others had to say and then I made the statement that we are here for the purpose of serving and loving GOD in all we say and all we do. I thought that was a very profound and accurate statement however, it was met by mouth opening gasps. What?!!!!! No, No, No, that is not true. We were given FREE will so that we could do whatever we want to do, was a response. Then I said that spirituality means where there is nothing of me and all of GOD. Again, gasps of What?!!!!!
It was then that I realized that it wasn't important to prove my point and to teach them something different. It is either not the time or I am not the right one to deliver the message.
And that is where I want to begin. When you grow up in a family of 7 children, you are always fighting for some type of recognition and attention because you always feel lost in the shuffle. I used to act up all the time when we had babysitters. I used to drive them nuts because I misbehaved so badly. I remember being very proud of myself for being that way. All the attention was on me and I loved it. Since then, I realize that my whole life I have strived to be the center of attention, the authority over something. I have always wanted to be really good at something so that others, especially in my family, thought of me as an authority about. In fact, none of my desires to succeed at anything had to do with anything else except that I would be considered an authority of whatever I had succeeded at.
The list is endless of the things and ideas I tried just to be an authority on the subject. Even the measures I have taken to lose weight. I just wanted to succeed so that I could teach everyone else how to. I did hold that position several times. Once when I was in Real Estate and when I owned the restaurant. But here is the thing...I have appeared to the rest of the world to have failed at so many things that I am now realizing that no one really wants to listen to anything I have to say. In fact, many probably listen to what I say just so they can do the opposite. I remember trying to have my own consulting business after the restaurant closed to teach owners how to market their businesses which I knew alot about. After spending three years trying to get clients, I realized that no one wants to take advice, much less pay for it, from someone who "failed".
Right now in my family the person that everyone is listening to is the one who married the lawyer, who makes more money than the rest of us, who has more expensive cars than the rest, who has more affluence than any of the rest. She is now considered the authority over all the rest because of who she married. She would be able to get any of the rest of my family to follow anything she said because that is the status. That is the way it is. There is nothing I can do about it.
But how do I rid myself of the desire to want to be in that role? How do I just let it go? I feel like I have all these gifts but that they have to be silent because I literally have nothing that anyone wants because I am thought of now as the big loser of the family. What I have all been through, what I have all lost, what I have all endured is not considered anything and the wisdom at having to live through all of this is really not sought after information.
I know that I am to tell the world about the goodnes of GOD and I would love to do just that. However, I really feel deep down inside that by today's standards, I am not a good poster child for GOD. I really think that most people would do the opposite of anything I do or think because no one would want to live my life. The scary thing is that I really believe this but not in a depressive way but in a frustrated way. I have very little to contribute to any conversation as a result of feeling this way. Leading by example doesn't really apply here because the example that I have laid forth, doesn't look so good. But with that said, I feel that the knowlege and education I have about GOD and our purpose here is getting clearer and clearer each day and I feel like I am one of the luckiest in the world that I have been given the opportunity to learn the LORD in the way that I have!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Relationships, ARRRRG!
Today I am feeling rather short changed and I don't want to be. I want to believe that GOD has a plan for this relationship with my husband and that even thought I do not understand it, I must trust in the Lord!
I am married to someone who is absolutely my polar opposite. I am married to someone who is mad about everything in his life. He is mad, in general, that he is even alive. Most of the time he can not stand me or what I stand for and I know he really dislikes being a Father. Maybe not dislikes being a father but certainly hates any time and effort he must give to be a father. You never know what is going to set him off. Usually it is anything that takes him away from T.V. You think I am just being dramatic...no this is my life.
I feel that my kids have been very short changed because there is no encouragemnt from him to become good human beings. Everything is negative that comes from him and he chooses to cut them down instead of build them up. His lack of effort to provide a good life for them is very apparent to them. They are not learning how to face challenges of life from him or how to make GOD number ONE in their life, instead they are learning from him how to be angry about the misfortunes in life and how to remain angry. They are taught how to be weak instead of strong, how to be angry instead of inspired, how to be hateful instead of loving, how to handle their anger with violence instead of compassion. I know that I can not control how my children think and learn, but gosh darn it, this is not what I ever wanted for them. I wanted them to be able to grow up as an extension of all that I have learned about having GOD being number one in your life. Am I fighting a losing battle here? I know that GOD will answer my prayers regarding my concerns about my children and that somehow I can override what is happening.
Maybe this husband of mine was put into my life to draw me closer to GOD. Whatever the reason, I know GOD has me in the palm of his loving hands. But what about my husband? Even though he is a child of GOD, he doesn't acknowlege that in any way. I know that GOD doesn't give up on anyone, but I also know that when you do not live your life in faith and expectancy, you are not rewarded with GOD's riches because he can not work in you the way he wants to.
Is this causing such an imbalance in my life that it is causing so much difficulty? Can two people be such opposite in major parts of their lives and still raise kids that turn out OK? These are the questions that baffle me. I try to love him for who he is but I absolutley do not know how to live with someone who has no love in his heart. I don't want to live this way. I know that it is not my will but God's will that matters but I am finding it really difficult to go through this. I really need to trust in HIM right now! I really need to trust in HIM always!
I feel like my life inside my own family is surrounded by hate and controversy and I really do not know how to change it. I only know to ask GOD to change me. I live in constant fear that what my children are learning everyday from this existence will give them a life of difficulty. I know the question exists about why I stay. Why do I stay? I am waiting to accomplish something of my own, on my own and be able to financially support on my own. I do not want to depend on my husband for anything and really want to get to that point!
I am married to someone who is absolutely my polar opposite. I am married to someone who is mad about everything in his life. He is mad, in general, that he is even alive. Most of the time he can not stand me or what I stand for and I know he really dislikes being a Father. Maybe not dislikes being a father but certainly hates any time and effort he must give to be a father. You never know what is going to set him off. Usually it is anything that takes him away from T.V. You think I am just being dramatic...no this is my life.
I feel that my kids have been very short changed because there is no encouragemnt from him to become good human beings. Everything is negative that comes from him and he chooses to cut them down instead of build them up. His lack of effort to provide a good life for them is very apparent to them. They are not learning how to face challenges of life from him or how to make GOD number ONE in their life, instead they are learning from him how to be angry about the misfortunes in life and how to remain angry. They are taught how to be weak instead of strong, how to be angry instead of inspired, how to be hateful instead of loving, how to handle their anger with violence instead of compassion. I know that I can not control how my children think and learn, but gosh darn it, this is not what I ever wanted for them. I wanted them to be able to grow up as an extension of all that I have learned about having GOD being number one in your life. Am I fighting a losing battle here? I know that GOD will answer my prayers regarding my concerns about my children and that somehow I can override what is happening.
Maybe this husband of mine was put into my life to draw me closer to GOD. Whatever the reason, I know GOD has me in the palm of his loving hands. But what about my husband? Even though he is a child of GOD, he doesn't acknowlege that in any way. I know that GOD doesn't give up on anyone, but I also know that when you do not live your life in faith and expectancy, you are not rewarded with GOD's riches because he can not work in you the way he wants to.
Is this causing such an imbalance in my life that it is causing so much difficulty? Can two people be such opposite in major parts of their lives and still raise kids that turn out OK? These are the questions that baffle me. I try to love him for who he is but I absolutley do not know how to live with someone who has no love in his heart. I don't want to live this way. I know that it is not my will but God's will that matters but I am finding it really difficult to go through this. I really need to trust in HIM right now! I really need to trust in HIM always!
I feel like my life inside my own family is surrounded by hate and controversy and I really do not know how to change it. I only know to ask GOD to change me. I live in constant fear that what my children are learning everyday from this existence will give them a life of difficulty. I know the question exists about why I stay. Why do I stay? I am waiting to accomplish something of my own, on my own and be able to financially support on my own. I do not want to depend on my husband for anything and really want to get to that point!
Friday, January 21, 2011
TGIF
Last night I had dinner at about 6:00. This morning I started feeling hungry at about 8:30. I ate at 9:00 a bagel, butter and jelly. Ate lunch at about 12:15. Wasn't really hungry but I was at work and this was a good opportunity to eat lunch. Although, looking back on it, I would have had other opportunities if I had chosen to wait. I also ate in front of the TV but tried to be as present as possible. Had a meatloaf sandwich, some potato chips and some red licorice. When it was around dinner time, my hunger feels different. I do not feel it in my belly like at breakfast and lunch but I get very antsy. I so wanted a good salad and some fried chicken so that is what I got and I loved every piece of it! That was about 7:15 and that was my eating for the day.
I wanted to also write today about something. There was something that came up in my life yesterday that I normally would have handled with anger. Instead, I turned it over to GOD. This is not as easy as it sounds. I kept the war raging inside my mind and kept trying to put it back in God's hands. I do not know how many times I had to say to myself "You have turned this over to God, now just let him handle it however he sees fit". While the war raged on inside my mind I also had to keep telling myself (as I built a hate case against the one who harmed me) that GOD is the only judge and that I am not supposed to do God's job. This has been an interesting turn of events for me. I should have learned a long time ago how to give things over to GOD. I have read so many things about this but still remain very weak at it. Then I decided to be kind and loving to myself and realize that this too takes practice.
Dear GOD please be patient with me as I learn this. I truly know that you take care of everything for me but my job is to believe it in my heart!
I wanted to also write today about something. There was something that came up in my life yesterday that I normally would have handled with anger. Instead, I turned it over to GOD. This is not as easy as it sounds. I kept the war raging inside my mind and kept trying to put it back in God's hands. I do not know how many times I had to say to myself "You have turned this over to God, now just let him handle it however he sees fit". While the war raged on inside my mind I also had to keep telling myself (as I built a hate case against the one who harmed me) that GOD is the only judge and that I am not supposed to do God's job. This has been an interesting turn of events for me. I should have learned a long time ago how to give things over to GOD. I have read so many things about this but still remain very weak at it. Then I decided to be kind and loving to myself and realize that this too takes practice.
Dear GOD please be patient with me as I learn this. I truly know that you take care of everything for me but my job is to believe it in my heart!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Letting it slip out
I have been very careful about talking about my new found insights on food issues and how they effect the body. I just feel like I will know when it is the right time to talk about it and that God will guide me there. But...last night I went to visit my parents and it just happened. Now mind you, I do not want or feel the need to change their minds about anything, however, I sometimes feel the need to let them know what is going on with me. After all, I have had to hear all the OOHs and AHHH's from them about the other people in the family currently on diets, so I guess I had to get my thing in.
It started innocently enough. I asked my mom about her friend who is 71 and fighting the good fight with her weight. My mom told me that she was doing to start this diet that has been offered to another one of their friends that was recently diagnosed with COPD and was put on a very, very strict diet. My mom seemed to think it was OK since a Doctor recommended the diet and the Nurse has lost all of her weight on the diet. This, of course, totally frustrates me because my parents believe everything if it comes from a Doctor's mouth. Their generation are sponges to the Medical world. So I injected quickly that I thought it was sad that these women were willing to go on these diets without really knowing or fixing what made them have the overweight problem in the first place. My Dad, quite eloquantly I might add, announced that people who are overweight are that way because they eat too much. Then I said, "But why do they eat too much?" and he replyed, "Well I eat too much because it tastes so good." I had to continue after that and point out that if you thought you would always be able to eat that particular food anytime you wanted it you would not feel the need to overeat it at any given time. That was too much for his 75 yr. old mind to comprehend. I then added that if you start eating when you are not hungry, your body will also not tell you when you are full. Then my mom (wisdom of all wisdom) says that she finds that when she is hungry she eats more because it takes more to satisfy her. I asked if at that time when that occurs, does she eat something she really likes or does she eat something she thinks she is supposed to eat? Now you have to understand that I do not think at this point in my mother's life she knows what she really likes because she has been on so many diets where she tried to convince herself that she really liked the crap she was eating. She definitely labels food as those that are good for you and those that are bad for you and basically believes that the foods that are bad for you will kill you. So I really think that she goes through life, not eating what she wants, but eating what she has been taught to be "good" for her. There is nothing wrong with that, generally speaking, but she has allowed this mindset to not allow her to eat food that she really likes.
Then my dad perked up a bit and realized that he eats when the clock tells him it is time to eat. He said that he hardly ever feels hungry. When he gets up in the morning he eats as soon as he gets up because that is the time to eat. I asked him if he could, on just one morning, wait to eat until he felt hungry so that he could recognize that feeling. He just did not think he could do this. Then he asked me if that was what I was doing. I told him it was for the most part. He then made a comment that by summer he would not recognize me when I walked in the door that I would be so skinny. I immediately stopped him and told him, no, that was not the goal. My goal was to end my affliction with food. To only use food for its purpose...to feed the body when it was hungry. I told him that that change was what should be celebrated and congratulated. Then I couldn't help myself and I said "People who lose wieght should not be congratulated who go on a diet to do it because they really haven't changed what initially made them carry extra wieght in the first place. He then asked me if I felt like I had kicked the affliction and I, with all the pride in the world, said a resounding YES! I told him that food no longer scared me and it no longer controlled my life or my thinking. And I think that is something to be celebrated! Yeah!
I had to leave abruptly because I had to pick up my son from practice. When I left I felt a little uneasy at all I just divolged. Like "Oh what is Maureen into now". But I also know that I have nothing to prove to them, that my progress is my business and that I am not pushing my opinions on them because I think they have to follow it. I just wanted to let them know what was going on with me. There is no way that in one conversation they could grasp that which I have been studying for five months, read 6 books and listened to a series of CD's. This concept can not be grasped in a moment, especially when most of us have spent a lifetime thinking differently. Oh, well, we shall see what happens.....
It started innocently enough. I asked my mom about her friend who is 71 and fighting the good fight with her weight. My mom told me that she was doing to start this diet that has been offered to another one of their friends that was recently diagnosed with COPD and was put on a very, very strict diet. My mom seemed to think it was OK since a Doctor recommended the diet and the Nurse has lost all of her weight on the diet. This, of course, totally frustrates me because my parents believe everything if it comes from a Doctor's mouth. Their generation are sponges to the Medical world. So I injected quickly that I thought it was sad that these women were willing to go on these diets without really knowing or fixing what made them have the overweight problem in the first place. My Dad, quite eloquantly I might add, announced that people who are overweight are that way because they eat too much. Then I said, "But why do they eat too much?" and he replyed, "Well I eat too much because it tastes so good." I had to continue after that and point out that if you thought you would always be able to eat that particular food anytime you wanted it you would not feel the need to overeat it at any given time. That was too much for his 75 yr. old mind to comprehend. I then added that if you start eating when you are not hungry, your body will also not tell you when you are full. Then my mom (wisdom of all wisdom) says that she finds that when she is hungry she eats more because it takes more to satisfy her. I asked if at that time when that occurs, does she eat something she really likes or does she eat something she thinks she is supposed to eat? Now you have to understand that I do not think at this point in my mother's life she knows what she really likes because she has been on so many diets where she tried to convince herself that she really liked the crap she was eating. She definitely labels food as those that are good for you and those that are bad for you and basically believes that the foods that are bad for you will kill you. So I really think that she goes through life, not eating what she wants, but eating what she has been taught to be "good" for her. There is nothing wrong with that, generally speaking, but she has allowed this mindset to not allow her to eat food that she really likes.
Then my dad perked up a bit and realized that he eats when the clock tells him it is time to eat. He said that he hardly ever feels hungry. When he gets up in the morning he eats as soon as he gets up because that is the time to eat. I asked him if he could, on just one morning, wait to eat until he felt hungry so that he could recognize that feeling. He just did not think he could do this. Then he asked me if that was what I was doing. I told him it was for the most part. He then made a comment that by summer he would not recognize me when I walked in the door that I would be so skinny. I immediately stopped him and told him, no, that was not the goal. My goal was to end my affliction with food. To only use food for its purpose...to feed the body when it was hungry. I told him that that change was what should be celebrated and congratulated. Then I couldn't help myself and I said "People who lose wieght should not be congratulated who go on a diet to do it because they really haven't changed what initially made them carry extra wieght in the first place. He then asked me if I felt like I had kicked the affliction and I, with all the pride in the world, said a resounding YES! I told him that food no longer scared me and it no longer controlled my life or my thinking. And I think that is something to be celebrated! Yeah!
I had to leave abruptly because I had to pick up my son from practice. When I left I felt a little uneasy at all I just divolged. Like "Oh what is Maureen into now". But I also know that I have nothing to prove to them, that my progress is my business and that I am not pushing my opinions on them because I think they have to follow it. I just wanted to let them know what was going on with me. There is no way that in one conversation they could grasp that which I have been studying for five months, read 6 books and listened to a series of CD's. This concept can not be grasped in a moment, especially when most of us have spent a lifetime thinking differently. Oh, well, we shall see what happens.....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Saying Goodbye!
Last night I said goodbye to the woman who has invaded my body and my mind for the last thirty years. I told her in the name of GOD to leave!
While reading the book "A Course in Weight Loss" By Marianne Williamson, one of the excersizes is to cut the cords to the one who has invaded your "real" body. The "real" body meaning the body before the mind took it over and was influenced in any way by all the crap that is out there that leads you to believe mean and hateful things about yourself. I did the visualization as the book instructed and really got in to it. I looked at her and for the first time in a long time it looked like someone else. It wasn't me anymore. I looked at the same drab clothes she wore, and noticed a body that I used to call mine, but it is hers now.
I know this sounds very strange but it really revealed many things to me. I pictured a beautiful angel, the most beautiful I could ever imagine, coming to the cord that attached me to that other woman who had taken over my body and cutting it. It was a very huge and thick cord but the angel had no problem cutting it. I was free of her. I was now free to be my devine self!
I woke up this morning and knew that I was different. I applied my make-up different, I fixed my hair different, I wore something that I had not worn in a very long time. I AM DIFFERENT. I want to be my Devine self more and more each day. I know that I am known for the imposter and that many will be looking for that imposter when they see me, but that is OK. My Devine self is my true self and that is who is showing up from now on.
Goodbye to you the imposter.
While reading the book "A Course in Weight Loss" By Marianne Williamson, one of the excersizes is to cut the cords to the one who has invaded your "real" body. The "real" body meaning the body before the mind took it over and was influenced in any way by all the crap that is out there that leads you to believe mean and hateful things about yourself. I did the visualization as the book instructed and really got in to it. I looked at her and for the first time in a long time it looked like someone else. It wasn't me anymore. I looked at the same drab clothes she wore, and noticed a body that I used to call mine, but it is hers now.
I know this sounds very strange but it really revealed many things to me. I pictured a beautiful angel, the most beautiful I could ever imagine, coming to the cord that attached me to that other woman who had taken over my body and cutting it. It was a very huge and thick cord but the angel had no problem cutting it. I was free of her. I was now free to be my devine self!
I woke up this morning and knew that I was different. I applied my make-up different, I fixed my hair different, I wore something that I had not worn in a very long time. I AM DIFFERENT. I want to be my Devine self more and more each day. I know that I am known for the imposter and that many will be looking for that imposter when they see me, but that is OK. My Devine self is my true self and that is who is showing up from now on.
Goodbye to you the imposter.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Past Diets
I recently had a conversation with an aquaintance of mine who was telling me about this great pill that made you lose weight. She said it was supposed to be really great and that a guy she works with lost alot of weight. She told me the website to go to and forwarned me that it was a bit expensive. I immediately went to the website and OMG, it was really expensive!
I knew then that my compulsions regarding my weight are slowly but surely going away because I had NO URGE to buy the stuff! Let me tell you, that is the first time in probably 35 years that I DID NOT buy it! I was so excited by my new found freedom. I started thinking today about all the things I have tried and the money I have spent to lose weight. And here I am at the ripe age of 49 and still overwieght. So I can safely say that it was all a waste of time, money and energy.
Here is what I came up with.
Weight Watchers 4 different times in my life
LA Weight Loss
Diet Pills by the thousands
Vitamins to make you lose weight
CD's, books and tapes
Hypnosis sessions
Hypnosis Cd's
Three pill Regimens
Fiber pills
Water Pills
Pills taken at different times
Shots to reduce actual Fat in my body
Slim fast drinks
At least 10 different types of shakes to lose weight
Weight loss tea
No carbs
No fat, all carbs
Grapefruit only
Gym memberships
Aerobics classes
Jassercize
(And I count these because I joined these activities specifically to lose weight, not because I wanted to excersize)
And probably many more than what I can think of right now.
There has barely been a time where I haven't been on something!
And look where I am! I caught a Weight Watchers commercial on TV today where the spokeswoman (some superstar singer) said, "It really works". I want to know what really works. Think of that, a food reduction program that you will lose weight when you are on it! Well it better work because you are paying for it! But the difference is that it really works WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT. Once you are no longer doing the Point system, the same thing that made your weight go up still exists.
I have probably spent over $100,000 to get thinner and guess what, I am not thinner. I am larger than I have ever been in my life.
I knew then that my compulsions regarding my weight are slowly but surely going away because I had NO URGE to buy the stuff! Let me tell you, that is the first time in probably 35 years that I DID NOT buy it! I was so excited by my new found freedom. I started thinking today about all the things I have tried and the money I have spent to lose weight. And here I am at the ripe age of 49 and still overwieght. So I can safely say that it was all a waste of time, money and energy.
Here is what I came up with.
Weight Watchers 4 different times in my life
LA Weight Loss
Diet Pills by the thousands
Vitamins to make you lose weight
CD's, books and tapes
Hypnosis sessions
Hypnosis Cd's
Three pill Regimens
Fiber pills
Water Pills
Pills taken at different times
Shots to reduce actual Fat in my body
Slim fast drinks
At least 10 different types of shakes to lose weight
Weight loss tea
No carbs
No fat, all carbs
Grapefruit only
Gym memberships
Aerobics classes
Jassercize
(And I count these because I joined these activities specifically to lose weight, not because I wanted to excersize)
And probably many more than what I can think of right now.
There has barely been a time where I haven't been on something!
And look where I am! I caught a Weight Watchers commercial on TV today where the spokeswoman (some superstar singer) said, "It really works". I want to know what really works. Think of that, a food reduction program that you will lose weight when you are on it! Well it better work because you are paying for it! But the difference is that it really works WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT. Once you are no longer doing the Point system, the same thing that made your weight go up still exists.
I have probably spent over $100,000 to get thinner and guess what, I am not thinner. I am larger than I have ever been in my life.
Monday, January 17, 2011
ME, the Pearl
I haven't written in a couple of days, the weekends are just so busy and when I get finished being busy I am tired. I know that the size of my body makes me more tired than my age and for that I grieve! I would like to have more energy and more ability to move.
Yesterday, I was watching one of my Favorites, Joel Osteen, and he was talking about the pearl inside each one of us. How the oyster gets sand in its system and it becomes an irritation and that irritated sand becomes a beautiful pearl. We all know how much we love pearls! He said that the irritations in life are God's way of working through us. He doesn't put "irritations" in our life to make us suffer, he puts them there for us to grow. I have to think of my weight as an irritation and that this whole experience in my life of being overweight and all the issues that happen as a result. This is what my issues with food have done to my life, what I have allowed it to do:
Yesterday, I was watching one of my Favorites, Joel Osteen, and he was talking about the pearl inside each one of us. How the oyster gets sand in its system and it becomes an irritation and that irritated sand becomes a beautiful pearl. We all know how much we love pearls! He said that the irritations in life are God's way of working through us. He doesn't put "irritations" in our life to make us suffer, he puts them there for us to grow. I have to think of my weight as an irritation and that this whole experience in my life of being overweight and all the issues that happen as a result. This is what my issues with food have done to my life, what I have allowed it to do:
- It has made me feel like I don't fit with the rest of the world
- Made me feel inadequate to most people
- Consumed my thinking and became all I could think about
- Made me use almost every last dime to make it go away
- Continued to make me feel ashamed of my own body
- Caused me to feel lowly in relationships
- Focus way to much on my physical body and placed all of my value there
- Always settling for second best because I never felt like I deserved best
- Feel lazy because my body was not physically fit
And that is just a few. I am sure I will add more as I go along. I never saw my issues with food to be an opportunity to grow spiritually because I have always been mad about this affliction. I have been mad that it has happened to me! God knows that there is a pearl in me just waiting to be formed. The problem with me is that I do not think the pearl will appear with this body.
This is where God has me, I must need it. He needs me to be here finding my way through this physical irritation. I really need to embrace the place where I am because God needs me here. I have prayed and prayed for this issue with food to go away but God is not removing it. That is a sure sign that God is doing a work in me. He needs me to be in this process. Maybe God needs a voice here that will help all the millions of people here on earth with this affliction. People are getting so far away from enhancing their spirit and this using food as a drug is making that happen. Maybe God needs me to go through this in order to help others as well as build my spirit. I can not say the way of God because he is supernatural, and man can not understand
I am changing because I am allowing GOD to refine me. God is not as interested in changing my circumstances as he is in changing me. When was the last time I asked GOD to change me?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Ho Hum!
I have one teenage son (14) and my other son is preteen(12) and I am going crazy! Their minds are no longer little, they are medium sized which means they do not yet think like an adult, but they try to reason like an adult in conversations (or arguments) with adults! They sound absolutely rediculous about most things and make very little sense, but boy can they stimulate anger! It occurs about every day with me. I am a yeller (and a curser) and I have felt my blood pressure literally leaving my body. Then I get mad at myself for getting so mad at them and go through the whole guilt thing and feeling like the worst parent in the world!
I wonder if my anger that seems to be spewing so abundantly lately is partly due to the fact that I used to "eat my anger"! When I felt so angry, I would mindlessly eat. I would leave the house and go get something, anything to eat and I felt like that calmed me down. The food was my medication. Now I am just really feeling the anger and have not found a way to numb it. I actually do not want to numb it because once it is felt and released, it is over. I used to be angry about things for days, weeks even, and now I just let it all out and then it is over. Granted, the people I live with are quite taken back by this, but I am also trying to explain to them that this is how I deal with my anger right now. I hope that I will get better at dealing with it because sometimes I name call when I am angry and I do not think that is good. I am just kind of glad that I am not eating my anger anymore. It is a big step for me!
I was just thinking today, as I am anticipating a getaway weekend with my Mom and sisters in two weeks, about how people are recognized when they lose weight. It is usually in the form of "Wow you look great", "You look so much younger", "You can really tell in your neck", etc. No one ever recognizes a really important step in resolving food issues like when you stop using food to eat your anger. Only the outside changes are recognized. I really think that is a shame and I plan on not acknowleging weight loss in any one in any way. It is a personal journey and I just do not happen agree on the process others choose. What does that have to do with my getaway with my family...the majority of them are currently on diets and I am the odd sister out because I am not.
I also had a realization today that after everything I have been through in the last 10 years, I am the lucky one because I am not trying to accumulate or one up on everyone. None of that matters to me anymore. I no longer feel that life is a game and may the "best" man win. I am out of the game and I am so glad to be. None of that matters to me anymore. I do not have to fight the fight anymore because it just doesn't matter. What does matter to me is that I get to Heaven. To get there, my main purpose must be love and to always strive to chose love. Putting yourself above others for any and all reasons, whether it be money, power, where you live, how much the house is that you live in, what school your children attend, what college they get into, what field they try to excel in to be the better than others is not about love. It is about something misunderstood in what Jesus taught us. And if what you are doing in life is not about love, then it is meaningless. I am not perfect at this, but it is my purpose!
I wonder if my anger that seems to be spewing so abundantly lately is partly due to the fact that I used to "eat my anger"! When I felt so angry, I would mindlessly eat. I would leave the house and go get something, anything to eat and I felt like that calmed me down. The food was my medication. Now I am just really feeling the anger and have not found a way to numb it. I actually do not want to numb it because once it is felt and released, it is over. I used to be angry about things for days, weeks even, and now I just let it all out and then it is over. Granted, the people I live with are quite taken back by this, but I am also trying to explain to them that this is how I deal with my anger right now. I hope that I will get better at dealing with it because sometimes I name call when I am angry and I do not think that is good. I am just kind of glad that I am not eating my anger anymore. It is a big step for me!
I was just thinking today, as I am anticipating a getaway weekend with my Mom and sisters in two weeks, about how people are recognized when they lose weight. It is usually in the form of "Wow you look great", "You look so much younger", "You can really tell in your neck", etc. No one ever recognizes a really important step in resolving food issues like when you stop using food to eat your anger. Only the outside changes are recognized. I really think that is a shame and I plan on not acknowleging weight loss in any one in any way. It is a personal journey and I just do not happen agree on the process others choose. What does that have to do with my getaway with my family...the majority of them are currently on diets and I am the odd sister out because I am not.
I also had a realization today that after everything I have been through in the last 10 years, I am the lucky one because I am not trying to accumulate or one up on everyone. None of that matters to me anymore. I no longer feel that life is a game and may the "best" man win. I am out of the game and I am so glad to be. None of that matters to me anymore. I do not have to fight the fight anymore because it just doesn't matter. What does matter to me is that I get to Heaven. To get there, my main purpose must be love and to always strive to chose love. Putting yourself above others for any and all reasons, whether it be money, power, where you live, how much the house is that you live in, what school your children attend, what college they get into, what field they try to excel in to be the better than others is not about love. It is about something misunderstood in what Jesus taught us. And if what you are doing in life is not about love, then it is meaningless. I am not perfect at this, but it is my purpose!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Very Very Cold Wednesday
A couple of days ago, The Ellen show was on TV and I caught a bit of it. I really do like the Ellen Show, however, if the Woman that I take care of would not have it on, I probably would never watch it. Anyway, one of her guests was Richard Simmons, the fitness guru. Without saying much about what I think of him, Ellen had commented on how he looked like he had lost some weight. He thanked her kindly for noticing and said he had lost 29 pounds. Ellen said that she was a little surprised that “the fitness guru” would find himself needing to lose weight. His response to her was “Well I am human too and I have the same problem as everyone else where I eat things that I shouldn’t and they catch up with me. Then I need to get back to business and get the weight off.”
The irony in this was just amazing to me. So this guy who has probably made millions showing others HOW to lose weight, obviously has no idea how to teach people to keep it off. He is basically saying that being human means all humans will have a weight problem because we eat what we SHOULDN’T and then we have to work really hard to get it off. AND EVERYONE IS OK WITH THAT! Then there was a man who had worked for Ellen who was approached by Richard Simmons when he previously appeared on the show. Richard went up to him and told him that he could help him. The man was overweight. After about three weeks he contacted Richard and said he was “ready to change his life”. Then came the dramatic entrance to of the “before and after” and I think he had lost over 200 lbs. Well of course he looked like a different person. Then Ellen said something that really struck me. She said to this guy, “I used to see you when you worked here and I just knew you couldn’t have been happy.” She was referring to his weight. The reason why this struck me because our society so much grabs on to the idea that “Thin people are happy, fat people are not”. Unhappiness comes from fear and just because you lose weight doesn’t mean any of those fears Now if I would have heard in the interview “I really reached down deep and learned why food was a problem in my life and then I started loving myself by treating myself with kindness…” then I would have felt like it was a story. But people really believe that they can have someone like Richard Simmons physically train them and then lose weight and the problem is solved. We have soooo bought into this madness. It is absolutely crazy! You can not just change a behavior and then the reason why the behavior existed in the first place is gone!
Then I picked up a copy of a recent tabloid and they had pictured several people and the caption said “they lost a TON of weight”. Curious as I am, I went to the page to read the story. They had the typical before and after pictures. Then they had a story on each person about why they thought they needed to lose weight and how they did it. Each one of them went on some time of deprivation diet. Whether it was counting points, no carbs, some type of bars, it was some type of deprivation. They all exclaimed how “easy” it was which always makes me laugh. It is as if by claiming that it was easy, somehow makes their pain worthwhile. When I quit smoking through hypnosis I told everyone it was really easy, and it was. The first 48 hours were tough, but after that, I never wanted a cigarette again and to me that was easy. Unfortunately food feeds many demons that we have in our closets and we have to have food to survive. Many of our personal problems are handled through food. You can be on a high for a while after losing weight, but the demons that made you overweight in the first place are still there unless you have taken the steps to get rid of them.
A couple of days ago, The Ellen show was on TV and I caught a bit of it. I really do like the Ellen Show, however, if the Woman that I take care of would not have it on, I probably would never watch it. Anyway, one of her guests was Richard Simmons, the fitness guru. Without saying much about what I think of him, Ellen had commented on how he looked like he had lost some weight. He thanked her kindly for noticing and said he had lost 29 pounds. Ellen said that she was a little surprised that “the fitness guru” would find himself needing to lose weight. His response to her was “Well I am human too and I have the same problem as everyone else where I eat things that I shouldn’t and they catch up with me. Then I need to get back to business and get the weight off.”
The irony in this was just amazing to me. So this guy who has probably made millions showing others HOW to lose weight, obviously has no idea how to teach people to keep it off. He is basically saying that being human means all humans will have a weight problem because we eat what we SHOULDN’T and then we have to work really hard to get it off. AND EVERYONE IS OK WITH THAT! Then there was a man who had worked for Ellen who was approached by Richard Simmons when he previously appeared on the show. Richard went up to him and told him that he could help him. The man was overweight. After about three weeks he contacted Richard and said he was “ready to change his life”. Then came the dramatic entrance to of the “before and after” and I think he had lost over 200 lbs. Well of course he looked like a different person. Then Ellen said something that really struck me. She said to this guy, “I used to see you when you worked here and I just knew you couldn’t have been happy.” She was referring to his weight. The reason why this struck me because our society so much grabs on to the idea that “Thin people are happy, fat people are not”. Unhappiness comes from fear and just because you lose weight doesn’t mean any of those fears Now if I would have heard in the interview “I really reached down deep and learned why food was a problem in my life and then I started loving myself by treating myself with kindness…” then I would have felt like it was a story. But people really believe that they can have someone like Richard Simmons physically train them and then lose weight and the problem is solved. We have soooo bought into this madness. It is absolutely crazy! You can not just change a behavior and then the reason why the behavior existed in the first place is gone!
Then I picked up a copy of a recent tabloid and they had pictured several people and the caption said “they lost a TON of weight”. Curious as I am, I went to the page to read the story. They had the typical before and after pictures. Then they had a story on each person about why they thought they needed to lose weight and how they did it. Each one of them went on some time of deprivation diet. Whether it was counting points, no carbs, some type of bars, it was some type of deprivation. They all exclaimed how “easy” it was which always makes me laugh. It is as if by claiming that it was easy, somehow makes their pain worthwhile. When I quit smoking through hypnosis I told everyone it was really easy, and it was. The first 48 hours were tough, but after that, I never wanted a cigarette again and to me that was easy. Unfortunately food feeds many demons that we have in our closets and we have to have food to survive. Many of our personal problems are handled through food. You can be on a high for a while after losing weight, but the demons that made you overweight in the first place are still there unless you have taken the steps to get rid of them.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Snow Day
Recently I was involved in a conversation with a friend who has 7 children. They are teenage and older, some at college. She was talking about how she always worries that she will run out of food. Teenagers have a habit of taking whatever they want whenever they want from the frig and the cupboards. It brought to mind with me what I grew up with and how that has formed my eating habits today. We also had a family of 7 children. There were very strict rules about food in our household. We were not allowed to go into the frig and take out anything and eat it. We ate three meals a day and snacks of Friday nights. I have often been critical about the way my parents were with food because I think it has caused so many of my siblings as well as myself to have issues with food that has caused weight problems. I can now understand why they did some of the things they did. But here is how it effected me. I feel like there is never going to be enough. I walked away from the table when I was growing up many times feeling unsatisfied. Either we had food that I did not really like, or we had something I really liked but could only have a little of. There were no seconds to take of anything. There was just enough for all of us.
I have always had the feeling of not having enough but really it is not having enough of the food that I really like. Even now when I go grocery shopping, I find that I buy things that will stretch. Things that will be easy to prepare. Getting the best bang from my buck. When we went through our financial crisis, I was more worried about not having money in my pocket that gave me the freedom to buy whatever and however much food that I wanted. When I am eating something that I really like, I never want it to end. I make food choices based on what will take a long time to eat and big meals, big portions so that I feel an abundance of food in front of me. My home is filled with easy food, not really food that I like or want to eat. What would happen if I filled it with food that I loved? When I go out to eat, I experience that feeling of abundance. I get the feeling that I make choices based on the size and it is always something that is large. It is as if I am telling myself that this is the only area of my life that I feel abundance even if it is only for the next 30 minutes. I allow myself to splurge on food because I do not feel like I can splurge on anything else. No matter how bad the overeating has been, it filled the purpose of making me feel abundant in at least one area of my life. I just want to get rid of that feeling. I want to just eat because I am hungry. I don't want to fill an abundance fantasy with food. It is not doing well for me.
I have always had the feeling of not having enough but really it is not having enough of the food that I really like. Even now when I go grocery shopping, I find that I buy things that will stretch. Things that will be easy to prepare. Getting the best bang from my buck. When we went through our financial crisis, I was more worried about not having money in my pocket that gave me the freedom to buy whatever and however much food that I wanted. When I am eating something that I really like, I never want it to end. I make food choices based on what will take a long time to eat and big meals, big portions so that I feel an abundance of food in front of me. My home is filled with easy food, not really food that I like or want to eat. What would happen if I filled it with food that I loved? When I go out to eat, I experience that feeling of abundance. I get the feeling that I make choices based on the size and it is always something that is large. It is as if I am telling myself that this is the only area of my life that I feel abundance even if it is only for the next 30 minutes. I allow myself to splurge on food because I do not feel like I can splurge on anything else. No matter how bad the overeating has been, it filled the purpose of making me feel abundant in at least one area of my life. I just want to get rid of that feeling. I want to just eat because I am hungry. I don't want to fill an abundance fantasy with food. It is not doing well for me.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Manic Monday
I just loved that song...Just another manic Monday! But when you have children it seems that the weekend is manic and Mondays bring relief. I am writing this at 8:30 in the morning waiting to go to work. I have been up since 5:45 and I am still not hungry. Lets see, does it have anything to do with the licorice that I ate last night? It wasn't one or two pieces, it was three fours of a package. I bought it when I went to Walgreens to get milk. I thought it would be nice to have something sweet when I felt I wanted something sweet. I really do not have anything at home that is sweet. But then look what I did. I opened the pack as soon as I got home and started eating one piece after another. And boy was it mindless. I just ate and ate without once thinking about what I was doing. I watched TV, read my emails, wrote, all while consuming three fourths of a bag of licorice. I was not feeling good last night because I had had vertigo all day. I was so dizzy and just not myself. I was tired for whatever reason and I was a little upset with my husband. He had made the decision to go and look at some furniture in O'Fallon, and hour away and I was just a little pissed that he was going that far to chase something like this down. I think I was feeling like I wanted to spoil myself a little. Well, I guess I spoiled and abused myself alot. I do not know why I wanted to hurt myself. Licorice was always something that I hid. I always had a bag of licorice somewhere hidden. Even though I do not consider myself much of a binger, this is my binge food. It is what I lose myself in. I hide myself in. I am trying to figure out why I wanted to be lost yesterday and why I wanted to hide.
I had the vertigo yesterday and I was a bit bewildered by that since the last time I had it (and the first time) was on 12/22. It was difficult dealing with it because I was a bit fearful about the re-occurance. I also was worried about how I would be today when I was starting back with Arlene. I just did not feel comfortable with anything I did. Going to church, driving, going to Dominic's basketball game, driving, having to go to another basketball game, waiting for Leonard, leaving late, it all played a part. I almost felt guilty for having this again. Almost like I was just faking it, but I was not faking it. It almost felt like I did not have a right to have this condition. The licorice made me feel "normal" for some reason. I now wonder if I have had licorice everytime there was something physically wrong with me. I remember having a miscarriage a long time ago and before it happened I was supposed to take it easy and rest. Yet I went to walgreens and I believe bought some licorice. Maybe that is the whole identification. When I am feeling physically inadequate some way, some type of illness or sickness where I am supposed to take it easy, I eat licorice. I will have to remember that.
When I first read the book, Women, Food and God, I had many feelings that came to the surface, but now they are coming slower and more intense because I am identifying meaning behind them. Tomorrow I want to write about my feelings of never having enough.
I had the vertigo yesterday and I was a bit bewildered by that since the last time I had it (and the first time) was on 12/22. It was difficult dealing with it because I was a bit fearful about the re-occurance. I also was worried about how I would be today when I was starting back with Arlene. I just did not feel comfortable with anything I did. Going to church, driving, going to Dominic's basketball game, driving, having to go to another basketball game, waiting for Leonard, leaving late, it all played a part. I almost felt guilty for having this again. Almost like I was just faking it, but I was not faking it. It almost felt like I did not have a right to have this condition. The licorice made me feel "normal" for some reason. I now wonder if I have had licorice everytime there was something physically wrong with me. I remember having a miscarriage a long time ago and before it happened I was supposed to take it easy and rest. Yet I went to walgreens and I believe bought some licorice. Maybe that is the whole identification. When I am feeling physically inadequate some way, some type of illness or sickness where I am supposed to take it easy, I eat licorice. I will have to remember that.
When I first read the book, Women, Food and God, I had many feelings that came to the surface, but now they are coming slower and more intense because I am identifying meaning behind them. Tomorrow I want to write about my feelings of never having enough.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sunday, Sunday
Sometimes I can sit through an entire Mass on Sunday and not remember anything that occurred. Being a cradle Catholic as they call it, I guess that the words spoken and the prayers that are recited are second nature and that I stopped a long time ago really thinking about what it all means. As I have 6 siblings, one sister and one brother go to church every Sunday along with my parents, myself and my two sons. I have another sister who pops in every once in a while and another brother who joins us when he passes through town. We usually go out to lunch together after 10:30 Mass. It is usually a large group of people since my Brother has five children (who are now all adults) and my sister has four chilren (teenage and above). The place we go will have one very large table waiting for us every Sunday.
I was experiencing a bit of vertigo today so when I was in church, I had to keep my head straight and look at the ground. Maybe that made me listen better to what was going on. The pastor, who usually does not hit his mark during his sermons, started it off today by saying that we have too much of the world with us. I knew exactly what he meant by that and my ears immediately perked up a bit. He talked about how we let this world dictate to us what is important instead of remembering the word of Jesus Christ as he taught us what was important. There are two different dimensions. There is the word of God and there is the word of the world. The word of the world presents to us that what is important is Power over others, and the best things that money can buy. The word of God is all about love and that love is the only thing that matters. If choices are made in our life that are based on the word of God then we are always in tune with our created and we were created for HIS purpose. God has a purpose for us and when we are are living for HIS purpose, we are truly happy. However, we live in a world that pretty much throws in our face what we need to be happy. That pretty little picture is the best job, the most money, the best education, the best house, the best car, the best grade etc. and it doesn't matter how you have to get it. How many people get the great job at the expense of others. Or better yet, what if that "great" job makes you compromise your principles and beliefs or tears you away from your family. How many people push their children to go to college, a prestigious on, when the children are not really ready to go. How many people buy that big, huge expensive house and won't invite others over because of the fear of something getting broken. It is all about what the world tells us what is important. The more we listen to what the world tells us, the more the word of God diminishes. We think we are going to the top of what this life has to offer by listening to this world instead of striving to go to the top of GOD's purpose and plan for our life.
We, as a people, are missing the mark in so many ways. I often wonder why I bite my lip when I hear of someone losing weight, making a big promotion or getting accepted into a certain school. I used to think it was jealousy but I now realize that it is because I honor accomplishments that have to do with the purpose of God. I will honor the person who loses weight when I see that the reason for gaining it in the first place is first recognized, treated and prayed for. I will honor the person who makes a big promotion if they use the promotion to bring others closer to GOD. You see where I am going with this.
I was experiencing a bit of vertigo today so when I was in church, I had to keep my head straight and look at the ground. Maybe that made me listen better to what was going on. The pastor, who usually does not hit his mark during his sermons, started it off today by saying that we have too much of the world with us. I knew exactly what he meant by that and my ears immediately perked up a bit. He talked about how we let this world dictate to us what is important instead of remembering the word of Jesus Christ as he taught us what was important. There are two different dimensions. There is the word of God and there is the word of the world. The word of the world presents to us that what is important is Power over others, and the best things that money can buy. The word of God is all about love and that love is the only thing that matters. If choices are made in our life that are based on the word of God then we are always in tune with our created and we were created for HIS purpose. God has a purpose for us and when we are are living for HIS purpose, we are truly happy. However, we live in a world that pretty much throws in our face what we need to be happy. That pretty little picture is the best job, the most money, the best education, the best house, the best car, the best grade etc. and it doesn't matter how you have to get it. How many people get the great job at the expense of others. Or better yet, what if that "great" job makes you compromise your principles and beliefs or tears you away from your family. How many people push their children to go to college, a prestigious on, when the children are not really ready to go. How many people buy that big, huge expensive house and won't invite others over because of the fear of something getting broken. It is all about what the world tells us what is important. The more we listen to what the world tells us, the more the word of God diminishes. We think we are going to the top of what this life has to offer by listening to this world instead of striving to go to the top of GOD's purpose and plan for our life.
We, as a people, are missing the mark in so many ways. I often wonder why I bite my lip when I hear of someone losing weight, making a big promotion or getting accepted into a certain school. I used to think it was jealousy but I now realize that it is because I honor accomplishments that have to do with the purpose of God. I will honor the person who loses weight when I see that the reason for gaining it in the first place is first recognized, treated and prayed for. I will honor the person who makes a big promotion if they use the promotion to bring others closer to GOD. You see where I am going with this.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I see it everywhere
Oh, this wonderful time of the year when the Holidays are past, the winter has set in, the new year begun and everywhere you look you see ads for losing weight and/or getting into shape. Why is it that so much emphasis on losing weight and getting into shape happens at the new year? Is it a time marking that happens after the holidays to remind everyone that they let loose abit and now it is time to batten down the hatches and get back to work? The ads say "Lose weight without feeling Hungry" and that is what is supposed to make you want to join. Let me see what I think that statement says. It says "for years we have been teaching you how to lose weight while you were constantly hungry and now we have figured a way for you to lose weight without feeling hungry". Imagine that. They are admitting that they did not know what they were doing back then but now they do. Will I ever see and ad that says "Make this the year that you learn why it is that you feel the need to lose the weight so that you never have to make a resolution about it again". No, because diet companies who have made their riches from the weight people put back on, really do not want you to figure it out. They truly only make money on you if you decide that dieting is the only way to change.
I remember going to Weight Watchers that first time when I was 17 and feeling so sorry for the people who were on maintenance (the people who got to their goal) and how they would stand up in the meetings and tell people how hard they had to work to stay on maintenance. They would let these maintenance people give talks at the meetings to motivate those of us not yet at our goal to want to achieve what they had. I remember thinking then, I don't want to be like them and live a life of struggle just to be on maintenance. I just do not want this to be a problem at all. Little did I know then that that was the start of the biggest part of my weight problem. I did not have a weight problem in my own head at that time but I sure had one after I joined Weight Watchers.
They talk so much about the obesity problem in our Country and like always they skirt around the real issue. The realy reason for obesity is the billion dollar weight loss industry that we have in this country. They create weight problems in people based on food being the problem instead of a symptom of the problem It is like treating a person who has cancer and develops a headache from the cancer and the only thing the doctors do is treat the headache, not the cancer. That is exactly what is happening. Follow this eating plan and you will lose weight, however the reason or reasons why you have to lose weight in the first place we are not even going to look in to. Then they simplify it and say that you just need to reduce your calories and increase your excersize. But they never address the reason why you are consuming so many calories and not excersizing more. So there is this whole side that gets completely ignored.
Our kids are in big trouble. They have parents that are only learning how to lose weight and that is the answer. So that is what the kids are learning so they are going to have an even bigger rock to climb. They sneak food all the time but the parents have no idea why or what makes them do it. So the parents just buy into the "diet" and the kids slide deeper and deeper into a life that feels like deprivation and strictness. How are they supposed to cope with that. How are their under developed minds supposed to understand this? And if you don't think weight problems in our children are passed down from the parents, take a look around you. When you see an overweight child, there parents are rarely thin.
As long as we keep congratulating diets and losing weight that way, our world will keep getting more and more compulsive about food. It is everywhere we look. It is in almost every conversation and it is literally killing us. But we are allowing it. We are allowing people to tell us how much better our lives will be when we lose weight and we are allowing people to tell us that eating differently is more important than listening to the wisdom of your own body.
I remember going to Weight Watchers that first time when I was 17 and feeling so sorry for the people who were on maintenance (the people who got to their goal) and how they would stand up in the meetings and tell people how hard they had to work to stay on maintenance. They would let these maintenance people give talks at the meetings to motivate those of us not yet at our goal to want to achieve what they had. I remember thinking then, I don't want to be like them and live a life of struggle just to be on maintenance. I just do not want this to be a problem at all. Little did I know then that that was the start of the biggest part of my weight problem. I did not have a weight problem in my own head at that time but I sure had one after I joined Weight Watchers.
They talk so much about the obesity problem in our Country and like always they skirt around the real issue. The realy reason for obesity is the billion dollar weight loss industry that we have in this country. They create weight problems in people based on food being the problem instead of a symptom of the problem It is like treating a person who has cancer and develops a headache from the cancer and the only thing the doctors do is treat the headache, not the cancer. That is exactly what is happening. Follow this eating plan and you will lose weight, however the reason or reasons why you have to lose weight in the first place we are not even going to look in to. Then they simplify it and say that you just need to reduce your calories and increase your excersize. But they never address the reason why you are consuming so many calories and not excersizing more. So there is this whole side that gets completely ignored.
Our kids are in big trouble. They have parents that are only learning how to lose weight and that is the answer. So that is what the kids are learning so they are going to have an even bigger rock to climb. They sneak food all the time but the parents have no idea why or what makes them do it. So the parents just buy into the "diet" and the kids slide deeper and deeper into a life that feels like deprivation and strictness. How are they supposed to cope with that. How are their under developed minds supposed to understand this? And if you don't think weight problems in our children are passed down from the parents, take a look around you. When you see an overweight child, there parents are rarely thin.
As long as we keep congratulating diets and losing weight that way, our world will keep getting more and more compulsive about food. It is everywhere we look. It is in almost every conversation and it is literally killing us. But we are allowing it. We are allowing people to tell us how much better our lives will be when we lose weight and we are allowing people to tell us that eating differently is more important than listening to the wisdom of your own body.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Eating today
Here is where I get into eating trouble. I ate at 6:30 in the morning when the kids were eating before school. I ate Captain Crunch cereal, my favorite and I repoured the bowl three times. Why do I do this? It is definitely something from childhood. My parents went to the grocery store every Friday night. They bought one box of "sugary" cereal and the rest were just the dull Corn Flake type. I would get up earlier than anyone else on Saturday morning so that I could eat the "sugary" cereal. Knowing full well that when the rest of my 6 siblings woke up and ate breakfast, the sugary cereal would be long gone until next week when the shopping was done again. There were some Saturdays when another sibling somehow got up before me and when I got up, the sugary cereal was gone. I remember the anger and frustration I felt when that happened. So here I am at the ripe old age of 49 and still eating my cereal the same way!
Then I go to work. I know that I will not be hungry for awhile since I ate so much at breakfast. I am very busy at work and then the hunger comes. Unfortunately, I can not eat when the hunger comes because Jean's PT arrives just when I am about to eat lunch. I have to wait until the PT leaves. About 45 minutes and I am able to start making lunch. She wants grilled cheese. Not really what I would have chosen, but oh well. I make terrible grilled cheese because I am not used to her electric stove. They come out all scrunched up with most of the bread still stuck to the pan. I get out the potato chips and eat them quickly. I ate so quickly because there was so much I still had to do before I left and there was not much time left. Within an hour I had heartburn and had to take tums.
I am driving home and already plotting what we would do for dinner. A unique situation where Vincenzo has BB practice at 7:00. He needs to eat, but something not to heavy. Dominic absolutely needs to eat, and I, of course was not satisfied with my lunch. Oh, we were going to go wherever we wanted to eat. I had money in my wallet and we were going to use it! I gave the kids several options of places close to where practice was. Then it was narrowed down to Qudoba or Chinese. I really wanted Q but I thought it would be too heavy for Vincenzo so we chose Chinese. I split an order of Sweet n Sour Shrimp with Dominic. He wanted that. I was really looking forward to the veggies that usually accompany that dish. I also split and order of Crab Rangoon with Vincenzo getting 4 each. The dinner cost $21.21. The sweet and sour arrived with only sauce and no veggies. I was disappointed. Boy but was that alot of food. I was uncomfortably full when I finished. We all ate very fast for whatever reason (we had plenty of time). I felt so full the rest of the night. I went to practice feeling so full and fat. I kept covering up my stomach with my sweater as if I did not want anyone to see how full I was. I payed heavily for this. I had such heartburn when I came home that I popped more tums and had a stomach ache. I went to bed feeling like I might throw up. I had drank water when I got home and it was like the water was making the rice expand inside of me. Yuck!
As I write about this, I can't help but wonder why I do this to myself. I have these frenzied days of eating that truly are unkind to my body. Why do I do this to myself?
When I am choosing where to go to eat, my thoughts are about where is the best bang for my buck. In other words, where can I get the most amount of food for the money I am spending. Writing this, I just realized that one of the problems with going out instead of eating at home is that I do feel like I have to get the most amount of food for the price that I am paying. I never choose anything when I go out that is a small portion. Why is that? What am I so afraid of? Is it about having the luxury of not cleaning up the kitchen, deciding what to eat, preparing the food, eating it and then cleaning it all up. Then knowing that is my responsibility every day, hating it every day, just hating that whole process. So when I go out to eat, I feel free of all of that. All I have to do is order and eat. When it comes right down to it, I LOVE THAT. And the specialness to me of having the privelege to do go out to eat, I want to "fill up" on the experience as much as possible and maybe that is why I always fill up too much on the food. I really just want the experience to never end. When the meal is over, then I have to go right back in to the mode of responsibility of food for my family. How can I change this?
Then I go to work. I know that I will not be hungry for awhile since I ate so much at breakfast. I am very busy at work and then the hunger comes. Unfortunately, I can not eat when the hunger comes because Jean's PT arrives just when I am about to eat lunch. I have to wait until the PT leaves. About 45 minutes and I am able to start making lunch. She wants grilled cheese. Not really what I would have chosen, but oh well. I make terrible grilled cheese because I am not used to her electric stove. They come out all scrunched up with most of the bread still stuck to the pan. I get out the potato chips and eat them quickly. I ate so quickly because there was so much I still had to do before I left and there was not much time left. Within an hour I had heartburn and had to take tums.
I am driving home and already plotting what we would do for dinner. A unique situation where Vincenzo has BB practice at 7:00. He needs to eat, but something not to heavy. Dominic absolutely needs to eat, and I, of course was not satisfied with my lunch. Oh, we were going to go wherever we wanted to eat. I had money in my wallet and we were going to use it! I gave the kids several options of places close to where practice was. Then it was narrowed down to Qudoba or Chinese. I really wanted Q but I thought it would be too heavy for Vincenzo so we chose Chinese. I split an order of Sweet n Sour Shrimp with Dominic. He wanted that. I was really looking forward to the veggies that usually accompany that dish. I also split and order of Crab Rangoon with Vincenzo getting 4 each. The dinner cost $21.21. The sweet and sour arrived with only sauce and no veggies. I was disappointed. Boy but was that alot of food. I was uncomfortably full when I finished. We all ate very fast for whatever reason (we had plenty of time). I felt so full the rest of the night. I went to practice feeling so full and fat. I kept covering up my stomach with my sweater as if I did not want anyone to see how full I was. I payed heavily for this. I had such heartburn when I came home that I popped more tums and had a stomach ache. I went to bed feeling like I might throw up. I had drank water when I got home and it was like the water was making the rice expand inside of me. Yuck!
As I write about this, I can't help but wonder why I do this to myself. I have these frenzied days of eating that truly are unkind to my body. Why do I do this to myself?
When I am choosing where to go to eat, my thoughts are about where is the best bang for my buck. In other words, where can I get the most amount of food for the money I am spending. Writing this, I just realized that one of the problems with going out instead of eating at home is that I do feel like I have to get the most amount of food for the price that I am paying. I never choose anything when I go out that is a small portion. Why is that? What am I so afraid of? Is it about having the luxury of not cleaning up the kitchen, deciding what to eat, preparing the food, eating it and then cleaning it all up. Then knowing that is my responsibility every day, hating it every day, just hating that whole process. So when I go out to eat, I feel free of all of that. All I have to do is order and eat. When it comes right down to it, I LOVE THAT. And the specialness to me of having the privelege to do go out to eat, I want to "fill up" on the experience as much as possible and maybe that is why I always fill up too much on the food. I really just want the experience to never end. When the meal is over, then I have to go right back in to the mode of responsibility of food for my family. How can I change this?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The weigh to happiness
I wonder why it is with us human beings that we know the way to happiness is to give our lives to our Creator. We are here to serve our Creator's purpose but yet we try try try to achieve our own purpose. That can never make us happy yet we buy into that so much. We buy into the thought that what we own materially will make us happy, that the amount of money we have will make us happy, that the size of our body will make us happy...all things that take us away from knowing and believing that serving our Creator's purpose is where happiness lies. It is time to give Him our all, in everything we say and do we need to reflect His light! Nothing else matters! Yet we allow it to matter! How busy we keep ourselves, how tied to fear we keep ourselves instead of giving HIM our all! We get busy raising our kids, yet the only thing that really matters is that we love our children. We accept them for who they are because that is Love and Love is what our Creator's purpose is for us. Our children only need for us to love and accept them. Not every child is going to be and A student. Is it easier for us to love a child that is an A student than it is to love a D student? Maybe getting A's is not important to every child, why do we try to make it that way. Not every child is going to be a star athlete. Is it easier for us to love the child who is a good athlete? Not every child is going to be perfectly healthy. Is it easier for us to love a healthy child? Not every child is going to go to the school of their choice. Is a child who is afforded the privelage to go to the "best" school easier for us to love? Why have we bought into this? Love is accepting a person for who they are and that gives that person freedom to be the best that they could be but the best doesn't mean the smartest or the richest, the best means that they in turn let Love lead their lives and therefore are living the way the Creator meant for them to live. Why have we let ourselves believe that in trying to make our children perfect, that would somehow make our lives better? I see it all around me. In fact, it smothers me. Why am I constantly in a state of flux because my son is messy? Since I am always upset about it, what message am I giving him. Is it one of love and acceptance or is it that my love comes with the stipulation of him not being messy? Is it because it has been so ingrained in me that somehow I am responsible for him being messy and therefore I must change it. Sounds to me like it has little to do with him and everything to do with me yet he is the one that will carry the burden his entire life that LOVE comes with stipulations. Only children that are neat (bright, healthy, A students, good athletes, etc.) are loved. That somehow he is damaged because he is not neat. When am I going to just accept the fact that he is not neat and tidy. Somehow it is not important to him. Is it more important for me to have a nice and tidy household if it comes at a price of my son feeling like he is damaged and unloved because tidiness is not important to him? Isn't my job as a parent not so much to make sure he cleans his room but to make sure that each and every day he is felt loved and accepted? Which one is going to make his life happier and more fulfilled if he is neat and tidy or he is loved? I guess when it is put that way, it is easy to decide.
This world is not going to change where we as people who were created by GOD and were taught by Jesus Christ himself that the important thing in life is to serve HIM by always choosing LOVE in our lives unless we start in our own homes. Then this world will be a better place. If we took as much time to focus on Loving our family as we took to sort out recycling, the world would be a much better place. We can do all this stuff to protect our environment, but if we can't make the effort to truly love the people in our lives, our environment and its condition is meaningless. Choose today to give GOD your all and let everything you say and do reflect the light of Jesus Christ!
This world is not going to change where we as people who were created by GOD and were taught by Jesus Christ himself that the important thing in life is to serve HIM by always choosing LOVE in our lives unless we start in our own homes. Then this world will be a better place. If we took as much time to focus on Loving our family as we took to sort out recycling, the world would be a much better place. We can do all this stuff to protect our environment, but if we can't make the effort to truly love the people in our lives, our environment and its condition is meaningless. Choose today to give GOD your all and let everything you say and do reflect the light of Jesus Christ!
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