Ok, after the initial shock has worn off a bit, I find myself deeply compassionate about the plight of my sister who had been diagnosed with tongue cancer. I had felt kind of numb for the first day after hearing her diagnosis and I felt guilty about not feeling like crying. I was so very niave to think that all she had to do is go in for a "minor" procedure and get it taken out. In and out, no big deal. Then something told me to learn more.
On Saturday night, I decided to educate myself the best I could on this subject of tongue cancer. I googled as much as I could. Many sites delivered great material technically and clinically, but I felt I still wanted to learn more. Didn't know what I wanted more of, I just knew I wanted more. I stumbled on a site that gave personal stories about people who had gone through this. I read story after story as my heart started to break. Then the tears came and did not stop. I now realized the severity of the cancer my sister was going to undertake. I knew that it had a chance to go relatively easy, but I also knew that it could end up be extremely debilitating! Just the feeling of the unknown was a hard pill to swallow. I could not imagine how it felt to her. My heart really, really went out to her.
I decided then and there that I would do whatever was necessary to make sure that she did not feel alone at any time during this ordeal. All the differences we ever had in the past were just erased in that moment. Now all our focus was on her getting past this.
During this epiphany of mine, I felt all kinds of feelings. I felt guilt, I felt stupid, I felt jealous, I felt compassion, I felt relieved it wasn't me. I really am ashamed that I felt this way. It was like I couldn't get to a place of helping her until I got ME out of the way. I do not like that part about me. I was feeling really bad about all of this, begging GOD to change me as well as asking for His mercy and forgiveness. I started to think that I was a horrible person and that maybe, in fact, I had always been horrible and just did not know it or I justified my actions in order to not believe it. I was in quite a state, questioning my whole life, looking for answers.
Then, today, GOD answered my prayers. I usually listen to music on my Ipod while I take a walk. But today something told me to listen to something else. I made the selection of Echart Tolle - The Power of Now. It is a long book and I just happened to pick the chapter about being in the NOW. Letting the past die every moment. That nothing mattered except this present moment. Then WOW...I realized that it didn't matter who I have been in the past, that I can choose this very moment who I want to be and be it! I was falling down a slippery slope and was able to catch myself before I fell too much! Thank you GOD!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Don't live not to die, live to live!
Yesterday, we found out that my sister has cancer. She is 48 yrs old. Not that age has anything to do with it. It is not a life threatening cancer per sey, however, cancer is cancer. It can sometimes attack with a vengence and sometimes it can be taken out never to be seen again. When I heard the news, I felt rather panicky. I went to my parents house and found them in a state of disarray. They were both very upset and crying. It is so hard to see your parents in pain. I hugged both of them and all I wanted to do was to make them feel better. I then went upstairs to where my sister lives. I just hugged her and told her how sorry I was that she had to go through this. I wanted to keep it simple.
She is one of my sisters who has gone on this diet over the last year and lost so much weight that she truly looks sick. She has exercised herself to oblivian (involved in bicycle riding) and spends most of her time doing that. She used to go to church with us on Sunday's but instead, now goes bicycling. She went on the diet originally because when she had a physical, her numbers were not good. Now I ask myself, not good for what? She spent the last year dieting and massively excersizing to get her numbers down so that she would not have health issues only to develop cancer. I kept thinking, "Live the life that you have". Don't live not to die, live to live! You can practically kill yourself to prevent something from happening in your life with your health but something else can just pop up that you were not expecting. That is because life is not written that way. Boom, anything can happen.
I personally think that in this world most people live to avoid dying. Everything they do is to prevent death. They eat not to enjoy their life, they eat to prevent death. We have been sold a bill of goods by our surrounding experts, the doctors, the celebrities, the media, about what is good for us and what is not. You are led to beleive that if you eat what is not good for you (in their terms) you will develop some disease that will ultimately lead you to death. Look at the thing with cholesteral. That is one of the numbers that people really pay attention to. If the number is too high, you are at risk for all kinds of things. Well I am here to say that everyday of our lives, we are at risk for all kinds of things! We were put here to live our lives in happiness, peace and harmony. Do we do that? Or do we spend most of our lives being afraid to die and doing things that we do not like.
Now I know that many of us have eating compulsions and that we turn to food for a moment of happiness. God help us, I am not saying that is happiness. In fact, that is misery. But many of these compulsions develop from a fear of death. We come to the point where we are afraid to live. Lets work on not being that way. Lets work on living in the present moment and enjoying this moment that we have now.
To my sister, May God wrap his loving arms around you so that you feel his love every moment that you go through this situation in your life. May your Love for GOD grow each day as you see him work miracles in your life.
She is one of my sisters who has gone on this diet over the last year and lost so much weight that she truly looks sick. She has exercised herself to oblivian (involved in bicycle riding) and spends most of her time doing that. She used to go to church with us on Sunday's but instead, now goes bicycling. She went on the diet originally because when she had a physical, her numbers were not good. Now I ask myself, not good for what? She spent the last year dieting and massively excersizing to get her numbers down so that she would not have health issues only to develop cancer. I kept thinking, "Live the life that you have". Don't live not to die, live to live! You can practically kill yourself to prevent something from happening in your life with your health but something else can just pop up that you were not expecting. That is because life is not written that way. Boom, anything can happen.
I personally think that in this world most people live to avoid dying. Everything they do is to prevent death. They eat not to enjoy their life, they eat to prevent death. We have been sold a bill of goods by our surrounding experts, the doctors, the celebrities, the media, about what is good for us and what is not. You are led to beleive that if you eat what is not good for you (in their terms) you will develop some disease that will ultimately lead you to death. Look at the thing with cholesteral. That is one of the numbers that people really pay attention to. If the number is too high, you are at risk for all kinds of things. Well I am here to say that everyday of our lives, we are at risk for all kinds of things! We were put here to live our lives in happiness, peace and harmony. Do we do that? Or do we spend most of our lives being afraid to die and doing things that we do not like.
Now I know that many of us have eating compulsions and that we turn to food for a moment of happiness. God help us, I am not saying that is happiness. In fact, that is misery. But many of these compulsions develop from a fear of death. We come to the point where we are afraid to live. Lets work on not being that way. Lets work on living in the present moment and enjoying this moment that we have now.
To my sister, May God wrap his loving arms around you so that you feel his love every moment that you go through this situation in your life. May your Love for GOD grow each day as you see him work miracles in your life.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Is your Mother part of your weight problem?
Before I go any further I must say that I am very fortunate and blessed that I am almost 50 yrs old and my mother is still alive and well. I have always had what I thought was a good relationship with my Mother. Besides my teenage years, I was never really at war with my Mother and felt as if she was my friend most of the time. She is a great person and very well liked amongst her peers. We have a close family and I totally contribute that to her. No one is perfect and everyone has issues including my Mom.
Just recently, as I have started learning more about myself and how this body of mine has become so overweight, I have recognized how much of what I believe has come from my Mother. She is overly weight conscience and always has been. Her Mother was very overweight and I think that it grossed her out a bit. My Mother has been on a "diet" most of her adult life. Once a year when she goes for her check-up, if her numbers are not "correct" she goes on a diet. Then we all congratulate her on how well she did and it all starts over again next year.
There have been so many messages delivered to me and my sisters about weight over the years from my Mother that it is no wonder each of us suffers from food issues. When I was young, my oldest sister just did not like hardly any food. She maybe had 3 things that she liked and that was it. Meal time was very stressful because she got to a point where she refused to eat the food my Mother made for her. I remember how horrible it was that my Mom shoved food down my sister's throat to make her eat. I witnessed this all and had a deep compassion for my sister and really hated what she had to endure. I tried to talk to her to get her to cooperate more with the food issues, but she was who she was.
Being one of 7 children, I distinctly remember how hard it was to get individual attention from my Mom. When one of my siblings did something that made my Mother mad, upset, angry or whatever, I learned that if I did the opposite, I would be the HERO in my Mother's eyes, the one that would make my Mom happy! Since my sister had given my Mom so much grief by being a picky eater and not eating, I became the opposite of her and always finished everything on my plate and ate everything my Mom made no matter what it was or how bad it tasted. I was in heaven! I was praised and worshipped by my Mother because of how well I ate! She used me as an example of how a daughter SHOULD be and I was at the top of the world (or so I thought).
I was never overweight as a kid, in fact, I was tall and thin until I was in my twenties. I was very active and that is what probably helped because I had a major appetite for food the whole time I was growing up. I ate everything on my plate always because in our household of nine people, it was a sin to leave anything on your plate. There was never enough food. By the time everyone passed every dish of food around the table, my Dad was the last one to take his portion and he cleaned up every bowl. I can remember feeling sad when one of my favorite dishes was almost gone by the time it got to me leaving me with a very small portion. I was the one, however, that if there was anything left, asked if I wanted to "clean it up". Somehow getting my Mother's approval with food became the way to be for me. And it never stopped even when she was not eating with me. Somehow that feeling I got of approval when I was a kid by being a "good eater" has never left me and I have identified it with "If you don't approve of what and how I eat, you don't really love and accept me." Even though I capitalized on the situation with my older sister, it scared me to think that she might not be loved by my Mother as much because she had issues with food. I also still feel like there is never enough food, that when the bowl gets to me there will not be enough left to satisfy me.
That brings up another point. Eating was very much a routine in our household. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner, pretty much at the same time of day every day. There was no eating between meals whatsoever. If you became hungry at anytime between meals, you just had to suffer until it was mealtime. I remember times when I was so hungry by the time we ate I felt like I had to store it up. Now I do understand why my Mother did it this way. When you have seven kids, it could leave quite a mess, not to mention the cost of allowing your children a snack. There had to be some sort of control system in place.
Fast forward to my life now. My Mother is the same way in many ways but you win her approval when you are dieting. She is either overly proud of the fact that she isn't overweight and likes to point out others that are so that she can pat herself on the back or she truly judges your character based on your ability to diet and lose weight. It is almost like the will power it takes to endure a diet is a virtue. Last night I stopped in for a visit and she starts telling me about her friend who had a luncheon for friends. Her friend hosted the luncheon because she is very overweight and is on a strict diet so she decided she would feel better if she made food for her friends. One of the women in the group was told by her doctor four months ago that she had to lose weight, her health depended on it so she was put on an extremely strict diet. For some reason my Mom seemed to take delight in this and, at that time, told me about the suffering of her friend. Then this second friend, the one giving the luncheon, decided to follow that same strict diet so that she too could suffer and lose weight. Whenever my Mom would talk about this whole thing to me, I would always ask her if these two women were at all trying to find out why they had a weight problem in the first place. My Mother would always answer me with the same blank look "because they eat too much".
As my Mother is telling about the luncheon, she describes all the food that was offered and then tells me that her two "dieting" friends had their piece of chicken the way they were allowed to eat it. The dieting friends also had a tiny little dessert that was allowed on their diet made separately than everyone else's food. Mom acted like she was so proud of them that they could be at a luncheon with all this food and eat their bland chicken and tiny dessert. Then she added, "and Nancy has lost 38 pounds, isn't that great!" To which I added "it doesn't mean anything unless they keep it off." She just shrugged like as if to say "What do you know?" So the short time that I spent visiting with her was all about food and what her friends are doing about being overweight. Why are these the conversations that my Mom wants to have with me. I really can't tell what her motives are or if there are any but it seems like her life evolves around it. My sisters, to this day, if they are on diets and losing weight, they are in my Mother's good graces. She high fives them, she tells them how proud she is of them and acts like they are the be all to end all.
The question you might be asking yourself is why, at the age of 50, is your Mother's approval so important to me? It no longer is since I have recognized this pattern. I have had to get my Mother's voice out of my head and get a different voice in my head, MY OWN. I have had to realize that what my Mother thinks about food and weight is HER experience and that it doesn't have to be mine. I have had to realize that if my Mother determines the value of someone by either their ability to lose weight, their food issues or their current size, that is her problem, not mine. I just always thought that my Mother was so good and that if she placed that much value on it, it had that much value! This is just not true.
I have come to realize that my Mother will not congratulate me or high five me for learning what my compulsion was with food and ending it, surviving the past 10 years of my life through great personal strife, losing our house, losing our status and still being a positive, faith filled, OK person! Well I am going to High Five myself then!
Just recently, as I have started learning more about myself and how this body of mine has become so overweight, I have recognized how much of what I believe has come from my Mother. She is overly weight conscience and always has been. Her Mother was very overweight and I think that it grossed her out a bit. My Mother has been on a "diet" most of her adult life. Once a year when she goes for her check-up, if her numbers are not "correct" she goes on a diet. Then we all congratulate her on how well she did and it all starts over again next year.
There have been so many messages delivered to me and my sisters about weight over the years from my Mother that it is no wonder each of us suffers from food issues. When I was young, my oldest sister just did not like hardly any food. She maybe had 3 things that she liked and that was it. Meal time was very stressful because she got to a point where she refused to eat the food my Mother made for her. I remember how horrible it was that my Mom shoved food down my sister's throat to make her eat. I witnessed this all and had a deep compassion for my sister and really hated what she had to endure. I tried to talk to her to get her to cooperate more with the food issues, but she was who she was.
Being one of 7 children, I distinctly remember how hard it was to get individual attention from my Mom. When one of my siblings did something that made my Mother mad, upset, angry or whatever, I learned that if I did the opposite, I would be the HERO in my Mother's eyes, the one that would make my Mom happy! Since my sister had given my Mom so much grief by being a picky eater and not eating, I became the opposite of her and always finished everything on my plate and ate everything my Mom made no matter what it was or how bad it tasted. I was in heaven! I was praised and worshipped by my Mother because of how well I ate! She used me as an example of how a daughter SHOULD be and I was at the top of the world (or so I thought).
I was never overweight as a kid, in fact, I was tall and thin until I was in my twenties. I was very active and that is what probably helped because I had a major appetite for food the whole time I was growing up. I ate everything on my plate always because in our household of nine people, it was a sin to leave anything on your plate. There was never enough food. By the time everyone passed every dish of food around the table, my Dad was the last one to take his portion and he cleaned up every bowl. I can remember feeling sad when one of my favorite dishes was almost gone by the time it got to me leaving me with a very small portion. I was the one, however, that if there was anything left, asked if I wanted to "clean it up". Somehow getting my Mother's approval with food became the way to be for me. And it never stopped even when she was not eating with me. Somehow that feeling I got of approval when I was a kid by being a "good eater" has never left me and I have identified it with "If you don't approve of what and how I eat, you don't really love and accept me." Even though I capitalized on the situation with my older sister, it scared me to think that she might not be loved by my Mother as much because she had issues with food. I also still feel like there is never enough food, that when the bowl gets to me there will not be enough left to satisfy me.
That brings up another point. Eating was very much a routine in our household. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner, pretty much at the same time of day every day. There was no eating between meals whatsoever. If you became hungry at anytime between meals, you just had to suffer until it was mealtime. I remember times when I was so hungry by the time we ate I felt like I had to store it up. Now I do understand why my Mother did it this way. When you have seven kids, it could leave quite a mess, not to mention the cost of allowing your children a snack. There had to be some sort of control system in place.
Fast forward to my life now. My Mother is the same way in many ways but you win her approval when you are dieting. She is either overly proud of the fact that she isn't overweight and likes to point out others that are so that she can pat herself on the back or she truly judges your character based on your ability to diet and lose weight. It is almost like the will power it takes to endure a diet is a virtue. Last night I stopped in for a visit and she starts telling me about her friend who had a luncheon for friends. Her friend hosted the luncheon because she is very overweight and is on a strict diet so she decided she would feel better if she made food for her friends. One of the women in the group was told by her doctor four months ago that she had to lose weight, her health depended on it so she was put on an extremely strict diet. For some reason my Mom seemed to take delight in this and, at that time, told me about the suffering of her friend. Then this second friend, the one giving the luncheon, decided to follow that same strict diet so that she too could suffer and lose weight. Whenever my Mom would talk about this whole thing to me, I would always ask her if these two women were at all trying to find out why they had a weight problem in the first place. My Mother would always answer me with the same blank look "because they eat too much".
As my Mother is telling about the luncheon, she describes all the food that was offered and then tells me that her two "dieting" friends had their piece of chicken the way they were allowed to eat it. The dieting friends also had a tiny little dessert that was allowed on their diet made separately than everyone else's food. Mom acted like she was so proud of them that they could be at a luncheon with all this food and eat their bland chicken and tiny dessert. Then she added, "and Nancy has lost 38 pounds, isn't that great!" To which I added "it doesn't mean anything unless they keep it off." She just shrugged like as if to say "What do you know?" So the short time that I spent visiting with her was all about food and what her friends are doing about being overweight. Why are these the conversations that my Mom wants to have with me. I really can't tell what her motives are or if there are any but it seems like her life evolves around it. My sisters, to this day, if they are on diets and losing weight, they are in my Mother's good graces. She high fives them, she tells them how proud she is of them and acts like they are the be all to end all.
The question you might be asking yourself is why, at the age of 50, is your Mother's approval so important to me? It no longer is since I have recognized this pattern. I have had to get my Mother's voice out of my head and get a different voice in my head, MY OWN. I have had to realize that what my Mother thinks about food and weight is HER experience and that it doesn't have to be mine. I have had to realize that if my Mother determines the value of someone by either their ability to lose weight, their food issues or their current size, that is her problem, not mine. I just always thought that my Mother was so good and that if she placed that much value on it, it had that much value! This is just not true.
I have come to realize that my Mother will not congratulate me or high five me for learning what my compulsion was with food and ending it, surviving the past 10 years of my life through great personal strife, losing our house, losing our status and still being a positive, faith filled, OK person! Well I am going to High Five myself then!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Why does it look so easy for others...
It was a truly beautiful day yesterday. Mid February in St. Louis can either be three feet of snow or 65 degrees outside. Since we have had a very snowy winter, everyone could not wait to get out and enjoy the warm sun. I sat on the step outside my house and watched the cars go by. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I thought about the struggle we were facing with the need to get another car and our inability to do that simple thing. I watched all the other cars going by, newer than ours, and wondered why it seemed to be so easy for everyone else.
Over the last 7 years we have struggled so much financially. We have basically lost everything we had, money, our assets and our house. It has been so difficult to live this way that I truly can not describe it. We are a family of 4 trying to make it on $12.00 per hour. It is an almost impossible task, but God has definitely helped us through. I have come to the point where nothing of material value matters anymore. The one thing, though, is that in order for my husband to make that $12.00 per hour, he must be able to get to work which is located an hour away. In order to keep the travel affordable, we need a small, energy efficient car. We have one but the transmission just went out. Needless to say, the repair is beyond our means. So we have this dilemma. We can not go out and just buy a car because we do not have a down payment and we can not afford car payments (not to mention our credit is terrible).
My husband found a car that is a 1994 Dodge Colt for $800 cash. It just breaks my heart that this is the path we must take. I know that my husband is very leary about this car and doesn't have much faith in it, but I think he has his back against the wall and has to do what he has to do! I just have a hard time with the fact that I am almost 50 yrs. old and have to go through this.
Oh, dear God, please change me. Please change me so that this does not have an effect on me. I asked for you to help us with this situation and I must have faith that you will. Maybe you already have and I just am not seeing it that way. Please help me change the way I feel about the struggle in my life. I can not do this without your help. This is so beyond me. Please have mercy on me that I seem to envy the ease at which others are able to accumulate things that are difficult for me, just the things that I need. I do not know if it is OK to ask you to take away some of the struggle because you might have a purpose for it and I do not want to disrupt that. Please keep me in your love and change me in this matter.
Amen
Over the last 7 years we have struggled so much financially. We have basically lost everything we had, money, our assets and our house. It has been so difficult to live this way that I truly can not describe it. We are a family of 4 trying to make it on $12.00 per hour. It is an almost impossible task, but God has definitely helped us through. I have come to the point where nothing of material value matters anymore. The one thing, though, is that in order for my husband to make that $12.00 per hour, he must be able to get to work which is located an hour away. In order to keep the travel affordable, we need a small, energy efficient car. We have one but the transmission just went out. Needless to say, the repair is beyond our means. So we have this dilemma. We can not go out and just buy a car because we do not have a down payment and we can not afford car payments (not to mention our credit is terrible).
My husband found a car that is a 1994 Dodge Colt for $800 cash. It just breaks my heart that this is the path we must take. I know that my husband is very leary about this car and doesn't have much faith in it, but I think he has his back against the wall and has to do what he has to do! I just have a hard time with the fact that I am almost 50 yrs. old and have to go through this.
Oh, dear God, please change me. Please change me so that this does not have an effect on me. I asked for you to help us with this situation and I must have faith that you will. Maybe you already have and I just am not seeing it that way. Please help me change the way I feel about the struggle in my life. I can not do this without your help. This is so beyond me. Please have mercy on me that I seem to envy the ease at which others are able to accumulate things that are difficult for me, just the things that I need. I do not know if it is OK to ask you to take away some of the struggle because you might have a purpose for it and I do not want to disrupt that. Please keep me in your love and change me in this matter.
Amen
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Religion
"Religion is for those who are afraid of going to hell; Spirituality is for those who have already been there." I do not know who this quote is from or who wrote it. A friend of mine posted it on her facebook status the other day. Being a practicing Catholic my whole life, I was, at first, offended. Then I read it again and the meaning started seeping in. I began realizing some things that I wasn't aware of before. Maybe it was because I have closed myself off for so long into believing that I was all that because I practiced my religion and was teaching my children to do the same. Recently, I have started questioning that very religion and feel like I am doing a complete 180.
Please realize that I strive everyday to make GOD number one and I feel that I have a really good grasp of what GOD wants from me and what I know him to be. The problem is in the interpretation that is presented inside the Catholic Religion. It seems that somehow the religion has skewered its teachings to that of exclusivity. The bible is read and spoken in our Mass and the interpretation is usually a good sermon but the exclusivity comes from the way they do things. The Catholic schools are all about achievement and grades in the three R's. There are so many children that can not be successful students in this system. Their self esteem becomes deflated if they can not "make the grade". They are left feeling inadequate about themselves because it is all about the grades. It is about making everyone the same and not recognizing uniqueness, in fact, there is no room for it. You either excel in your grades or you are nothing! And it doesn't matter how you get those good grades, just as long as you get it!
Then there is the constant request for money. It is done in a way that shows no faith. Having faith in Jesus Christ and His father means believing that He is our provider and that as long as we recognize Him as our Father in heaven, He will fight our battles for us. However, this is not the attitude in the Catholic Church. Constant raising and talking about money is normal. We have an auction every other year to raise money. What the event has become is a Who's Who of the neighborhood with people throwing money around so that all can admire them. The event makes the people who do not have money to throw around feel inadequate and low. It is just a bunch of people showing off. The people who have all the power in the Parish are the people who have the most money. Is this oppression what Jesus has intended when he died on the cross for us? Is this exclusivity that reigns in the Catholic church what Jesus would have wanted? No way! It seems that this religion talks a good talk but doesn't do the walk.
Sounds like I am a little off about this. But think about the quote from above and ask yourself, does religion (any religion) give people the satisfaction that their relationship with GOD is fulfilled just because they are attending the services of that Religion? Are they just riding the waves and taking the path of least resistence until something happens in their life that takes them to "hell" where they push themselves to find the deeper meaning of GOD?
Here is what I think. The real understanding of GOD is so complex that it sometimes takes a lifetime to understand. More than likely, all religions started out with the intention of teaching people about GOD and Jesus Christ but it has been through man's interpretation that finds people's beliefs so far away from the original message. GOD is LOVE and Love is the way to GOD! Where there is exclusivity and partiality, there is no GOD because you can not be loving other people when these exist. You are no better than anyone else if you go to a Catholic school or any school for that matter. You are no better than anyone else if you have a certain job making a certain income. Yet the Catholic Church seems to incorporate this partiality and I feel that the way they do this is in their Catholic Schools. We have eighth graders right now, at this very minute, waiting for letters to see if they were "accepted" to the school of their choice. What kind of a message does that give to the kids. Other eighth graders in non Catholic schools do not have to wait to be accepted into the high school. This is a Catholic thing. The molding starts very early. Then we wonder why there is so much unrest in this world. We are teaching our kids that partiality matters!
You might be wondering what I am going to do in the future about my religion? I really do not know at this point. I sometimes think that people can really go to the next level with their relationship with GOD and unwrap themselves from their organized religion. It doesn't come from something taught but from something sought. When that happens, organized religion loses its luster because you can then become "beyond" it. Coming beyond it doesn't mean being better, it just means thinking and learning differently.
Please realize that I strive everyday to make GOD number one and I feel that I have a really good grasp of what GOD wants from me and what I know him to be. The problem is in the interpretation that is presented inside the Catholic Religion. It seems that somehow the religion has skewered its teachings to that of exclusivity. The bible is read and spoken in our Mass and the interpretation is usually a good sermon but the exclusivity comes from the way they do things. The Catholic schools are all about achievement and grades in the three R's. There are so many children that can not be successful students in this system. Their self esteem becomes deflated if they can not "make the grade". They are left feeling inadequate about themselves because it is all about the grades. It is about making everyone the same and not recognizing uniqueness, in fact, there is no room for it. You either excel in your grades or you are nothing! And it doesn't matter how you get those good grades, just as long as you get it!
Then there is the constant request for money. It is done in a way that shows no faith. Having faith in Jesus Christ and His father means believing that He is our provider and that as long as we recognize Him as our Father in heaven, He will fight our battles for us. However, this is not the attitude in the Catholic Church. Constant raising and talking about money is normal. We have an auction every other year to raise money. What the event has become is a Who's Who of the neighborhood with people throwing money around so that all can admire them. The event makes the people who do not have money to throw around feel inadequate and low. It is just a bunch of people showing off. The people who have all the power in the Parish are the people who have the most money. Is this oppression what Jesus has intended when he died on the cross for us? Is this exclusivity that reigns in the Catholic church what Jesus would have wanted? No way! It seems that this religion talks a good talk but doesn't do the walk.
Sounds like I am a little off about this. But think about the quote from above and ask yourself, does religion (any religion) give people the satisfaction that their relationship with GOD is fulfilled just because they are attending the services of that Religion? Are they just riding the waves and taking the path of least resistence until something happens in their life that takes them to "hell" where they push themselves to find the deeper meaning of GOD?
Here is what I think. The real understanding of GOD is so complex that it sometimes takes a lifetime to understand. More than likely, all religions started out with the intention of teaching people about GOD and Jesus Christ but it has been through man's interpretation that finds people's beliefs so far away from the original message. GOD is LOVE and Love is the way to GOD! Where there is exclusivity and partiality, there is no GOD because you can not be loving other people when these exist. You are no better than anyone else if you go to a Catholic school or any school for that matter. You are no better than anyone else if you have a certain job making a certain income. Yet the Catholic Church seems to incorporate this partiality and I feel that the way they do this is in their Catholic Schools. We have eighth graders right now, at this very minute, waiting for letters to see if they were "accepted" to the school of their choice. What kind of a message does that give to the kids. Other eighth graders in non Catholic schools do not have to wait to be accepted into the high school. This is a Catholic thing. The molding starts very early. Then we wonder why there is so much unrest in this world. We are teaching our kids that partiality matters!
You might be wondering what I am going to do in the future about my religion? I really do not know at this point. I sometimes think that people can really go to the next level with their relationship with GOD and unwrap themselves from their organized religion. It doesn't come from something taught but from something sought. When that happens, organized religion loses its luster because you can then become "beyond" it. Coming beyond it doesn't mean being better, it just means thinking and learning differently.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Sports and God
After attending two basketball games today, one of each son's, it occurred to me how utterly ridiculous sports are. At the level my sons are, one in 6th grade and one in 8th grade, it is supposed to be something that gets them off the couch, moving and having fun. Instead it is an activity that carries all the things that are totally against Christ. Partiality, competitiveness, greed are just to name a few. I know, I know, I sound like a crabby old lady! But here is the thing. They play the game whereby the coach plays who he thinks is the BEST for most of the time. It doesn't seem to matter that all the players have different talents in different areas. Then they get out on the court and basically beat each other up physically, mentally and emotionally. Those who get the baskets are considered the hero's while those who set up the plays so that the others can score are the unoticed, unsung heros. There are those kids who play this team sport all by themselves. There are those kids are are constantly yelled at and criticized by the coach throughout the game which has to be a bit humiliating while other kids are given free reign to do whatever they want. We clap for the other teams misfortunes and try to turn it into our advantage. We get upset at the referree's, the people who are basically "in charge" of the game, by disagreeing with their calls and criticizing what they see or don't see. These children we go to the ends of the earth to protect, during sports we put them in harm's way where they can get cut and need stiches or get their teeth chipped. These children who we try to teach each day to not fight with others or use violence against others yet we let them play sports where this happens every moment.
For those people who have children that excel in sports, they tend to push them to be the best, better than anyone else! What parent doesn't bust a button in pride when their child achieves success in sports. If you are more overweight than the other kids, the other kids act like you are no good and, in fact, will usually make fun of you. If you or shorter or taller, whatever the circumstance or sport, you could be considered superior or lacking. The parents are all OK with this, yet this is the totally opposite of what Jesus Christ taught us to be. What are we doing? Why are we like this and why are we teaching our children to be like this? Do we really think that we can have them differentiate between real life and "on the court"? Partiallity is a sin yet we purposely expose our children to it everyday they play sports. And need I remind everyone that the instances I am writing about is with the "Catholic Youth Council". Again, anything to be better than another seems to be the motto lately.
Competition separates us from each other and anything that separates us is against God's plan for us. It isn't enough for me to say that I will work hard to honor GOD but then support this sports thing. It isn't enough for me to teach my children to love all of God's people, but, oh yeah, when you are on the basketball court it is OK to try to be better than everyone else and that beating your competition is the ultimate goal. It isn't enough that now I recognize this to allow it into my life and partake in it. I am not niave, I know that kids play sports because "it is the thing to do" but maybe I just need to better teach them of other "things" to do.
In saying and noticing that this goes on, I am not judging the people who do not see this. But since my eyes have been burned by this, I can not live as if my eyes were closed.
For those people who have children that excel in sports, they tend to push them to be the best, better than anyone else! What parent doesn't bust a button in pride when their child achieves success in sports. If you are more overweight than the other kids, the other kids act like you are no good and, in fact, will usually make fun of you. If you or shorter or taller, whatever the circumstance or sport, you could be considered superior or lacking. The parents are all OK with this, yet this is the totally opposite of what Jesus Christ taught us to be. What are we doing? Why are we like this and why are we teaching our children to be like this? Do we really think that we can have them differentiate between real life and "on the court"? Partiallity is a sin yet we purposely expose our children to it everyday they play sports. And need I remind everyone that the instances I am writing about is with the "Catholic Youth Council". Again, anything to be better than another seems to be the motto lately.
Competition separates us from each other and anything that separates us is against God's plan for us. It isn't enough for me to say that I will work hard to honor GOD but then support this sports thing. It isn't enough for me to teach my children to love all of God's people, but, oh yeah, when you are on the basketball court it is OK to try to be better than everyone else and that beating your competition is the ultimate goal. It isn't enough that now I recognize this to allow it into my life and partake in it. I am not niave, I know that kids play sports because "it is the thing to do" but maybe I just need to better teach them of other "things" to do.
In saying and noticing that this goes on, I am not judging the people who do not see this. But since my eyes have been burned by this, I can not live as if my eyes were closed.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
AAAH! My Friend Colleen!
Every woman needs a Colleen in their life! This woman has been my friend since we were in 4th grade and we are now both on the doorstep of 50! We have had times where we were so close you could not see between us and there were times where we rarely communicated. Things in our life have been aligned. We got married to our first husbands around the same time, divorced our first husbands around the same time, were single for about the same time, married for the second time around the same time, had our babies around the same time and started searching for a deeper meaning to life around the same time.
We are both busy mother's with a "to do" list a mile long. But we somehow try to find a way to spend time together. When we get that time, it goes by fast! So much to say, so much to listen to and so much to get caught up on. We are very easy to be with each other because we are not competing in any way and we both know we are just there to enrich each other's life.
We just had a conversation where she started to tell me about another friend of ours who recently redid their basement in a lavish way. I said that I wish that stuff would not get to me and that I could get past what other people had. She pointed out that we are at the point in our growth that we know that stuff is really meaningless in the vast scheme of things but that when we see others achieving the accumulation of things, this is what the world calls success. It is not, however, what GOD calls success. Making GOD your number one is also knowing your success in God's eyes and no one worldly will see that. I really needed to hear that! She is so good at that and I am so thankful that GOD gave me the gift of her as a friend in my life.
We are both busy mother's with a "to do" list a mile long. But we somehow try to find a way to spend time together. When we get that time, it goes by fast! So much to say, so much to listen to and so much to get caught up on. We are very easy to be with each other because we are not competing in any way and we both know we are just there to enrich each other's life.
We just had a conversation where she started to tell me about another friend of ours who recently redid their basement in a lavish way. I said that I wish that stuff would not get to me and that I could get past what other people had. She pointed out that we are at the point in our growth that we know that stuff is really meaningless in the vast scheme of things but that when we see others achieving the accumulation of things, this is what the world calls success. It is not, however, what GOD calls success. Making GOD your number one is also knowing your success in God's eyes and no one worldly will see that. I really needed to hear that! She is so good at that and I am so thankful that GOD gave me the gift of her as a friend in my life.
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