Daily Prayer - Monday - Christmas

Dear Father in Heaven,

WOW!  WOW!  These past two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas day, were really something!  At times I felt very connected to You and Your Son, Jesus.  I felt the real meaning of Jesus being born and I loved that!  I feel that I went from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I was so inspired but I also had a dark side (maybe it was the dexxx) that I tried and tried to shake.  I got into a disagreement with my husband and had a really difficult time pulling myself out of the strife.  Oh, my dear God and Father, I really have a hard time with my husband.  I feel like he sucks the joy right out of my life at times.  This is such a challenge for me.  Although I know that all challenges in life are an opportunity to grow, this challenge seems to interfere with my growth.  I asked You to help me on Saturday and I heard You whisper to me to turn around and kiss him.  I could not do it the very moment that You told me to, but shortly thereafter I did.  It did bring a temporary peace to both of us which I am extremely grateful to You for. I was able to celebrate the rest of the day with a very peaceful heart!  Thank You!

I was a bit worried about meeting with my family because my emotions are running high about this financial situation.  I was not able to purchase anything for anyone this year and I was concerned about how that would make me feel while we were exchanging gifts.  I did not want to be tearful during our time together and get all choked up feeling bad because of my situation.  I asked for Your help in this and by Your Grace, I was fine.  In fact, I had a more peaceful heart than ever before and just had a really good time.  When I was leaving my mother's house, my sister handed me a small bag and told me that this wasn't from her but from my whole family and that we were to open it on Christmas morning.  I was really thankful that I did not have to open it in front of everyone because I do not think I could have controlled my emotions.  Upon arriving home, I opened the bag and there was one present for Dominic, one for Vincenzo, one for Leonard and one for me along with a decorated envelope.  I put them under the tree for tomorrow.

On Christmas morning, the kids opened the few gifts they had.  These gifts were purchased through the generosity of two of my sisters who gave me gift cards to two stores.  Had it not been for them, I would not have had anything to give them.  My children are strong in You, my God and were OK with us not being able to provide gifts for them.  They knew that is was by the Grace of God working through people that they had gifts to open.  We opened them as a family and were all extremely excited not just about the gifts, but the generosity of others toward us!  It was awesome!  I have a hard time really expressing how I felt!  I wished that everyone could feel as blessed as I felt.  Thank you so much, Heavenly Father, for giving me the opportunity to feel that!  Through You this happened.  Christmas is not about getting what you want but it is about seeing You in others.  This is a testament that Jesus Christ, Your Son, is alive in well in many people even this long after His birth.  We celebrate the gift of Jesus that You, our loving Father, gave us so that we may live our lives with Your forgiveness of our sins.  Today is born to us a Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Thank you God, our Father, for all your gifts that you pour out to me.  Thank You for whatever it is that you did to give me the eyes to recognize your gifts and the ears to hear your voice! 

Amen

Daily Devotion - Friday- Being worthy

Almighty Father in Heaven,

It is two days before Christmas, two days before we celebrate the great gift you gave us on that first Christmas day, the gift of Your Son incarnate!  Given to us so that our sins are forgiven.  So that we can live our lives in peace knowing that our sins are forgiven by You.  I have realized through You that carrying around sin and the guilt of the sin, makes our lives miserable.  Life seems not even worth living when you keep and hold on to sin.  Why do we do that when we our Savior was born on that first Christmas?  Why do we let the sin destroy our present day?  Is it out of disbelief that this is what Jesus came to do?  Is it due to lack of faith that You are in control?  I think it has something to do with not feeling worthy of Your forgiveness.  When an all out effort to make You first in our lives fails and we find ourselves focusing on things that are not about You, guilt sets in.  Sometimes, we even feel like our sins are too bad to be forgiven.  Then we live wishing we could be filled with You but thinking we are not good enough to be blessed by You.  Sometimes we are blind by all the wonderful things that You do for us on a daily basis and do not see You working in our lives because we believe in something else.  We may believe that we can not be happy if we are poor and financially struggling.  We may believe that appearances of ownership of certain things makes our lives have meaning.  Instead, we should be believing in the joy and peace that comes with knowing You.  That is why Jesus was born and that is what should be celebrated!  Every one of us was created by You and therefore are loved by You.  Your love is unconditional and therefore makes us each worthly of Your love.  That is the gift that we should celebrate this Christmas!

I have been so blessed by you in so many ways.  You have given me the gift of compassion for others that makes my life full and have meaning.  I would not have that were it not for Your great love for me.  Thank you, my dear Father in Heaven, for creating me and loving me.  My heart is filled with hope because of You.  My heart is filled with peace because of You.  My heart is filled with joy because of You.  You have forgiven me of my sins, through Your son, Our Lord Jesus Christ and his great sacrifice! 

Amen

Daily Prayer - Tuesday - The hands and feet of Jesus

My dear Heavenly Father,

I prayed to You and asked that You change about my financial situation. I realized that I needed to change and be filled with faith.  The lack of faith made me fearful and scared, worried and sad.  I wanted to change the way I felt and dealt with the situation.  I wanted to feel a leap of joy in my heart that our Savior will be born as a Man on Christmas day and I wanted to truly be in awe of that.  Thank you, Heavenly Father, for answering my prayer.

Things have been changing all around me.  I am seeing things through a different pair of eyes.  People with the hands and feet of Jesus Christ are surrounding me and I feel so loved!  My family is becoming a nice place to be.  For the first time since I can remember, we put the Christmas tree up as a family.  We are somehow more patient and tolerant with each other.  We seem to quickly turn around a foul mood or anger.  We have a bond that we never had before.  Goodness is coming from every direction.  Every time I turn around, someone is doing something for us.  My heart is full with appreciation and gratitude!  I feel like I am turning peaceful and that the feeling of happiness is returning. 

There are still 5 more days until Christmas and this Christmas is turning up one miracle after another.  I understand, maybe for the first time ever, the importance of having a Savior, the one that You sent.  He was sent us to free us from sin when we asked for forgiveness and to be our loving advocate with You, my almighty Father!  You sent Him here so that we might find our way to You.  What a wonderful, beautiful gift!  Thank You so much, my Father in Heaven, for loving me so much that You would send us Jesus!  Have mercy on me and may I always keep Your spirit and truly live my life as the hands and feet of our dear Lord, Jesus Christ.  I pray to you in His name!
Amen

Daily Prayer Friday-Recieving

My Father in heaven,

I prayed to you for help.  We are in such a financial pickle right now and the ability to give store bought gifts eludes us, once again.  The past four Christmas's we have had a financial crunch.  In the vast scheme of things, it doesn't really matter because Christmas is not about the gifts that we buy for each other.  A "good" Christmas is supposed to mean how much peace and love you have in your heart, not about what you gave or got.  But You, my Lord, sent gifts flowing to us this year.  The gifts that came were store bought, but the real gift was seeing the Godness in others and knowing that our prayers would be answered!  My children who are 13 and 14, got the opportunity to see how really blessed we are that there are people who care for us so much that they would extend themselves in this way to us!

Recieving is something that I must pray to You for.  Recieving is sometimes not an easy thing to do for many people.  Some do not feel that they deserve to "recieve" and some feel threatened by it.  Dear Lord in heaven, I pray that my family as well as myself can feel the joy of recieving and find peace in it!  I pray that recieving renews our hope in our fellow man and that a knowing is abtained that leaves us with a faith filled heart.  Broken is the man who can not recieve for if they can not recieve store bought gifts, what else are they missing out on?  Your gifts that cover every inch of this earth are sometimes taken for granted and not realized that it is You who gave us these gifts.  Please, dear God, help me to keep my eyes open to all that You give and all that comes from you!  Help me to teach my children how to appreciate your gifts to us whether they come from others through you or given directly from you. 

Amen

Daily Prayer - Friday- Its just business!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Yesterday the media was all buzzing about a baseball player that we had on our team who decided to take a different job in a different city for a much higher rate of pay.  Our city was filled with hatred for him and I can not lie, I got a bit caught up into it.  Please forgive me.  This city has loved this player for 11 years and now people have turned on him.  In one interview, a fellow team mate made the statement that "Its just business" that's all.  What exactly does that phrase mean "Its just business"?  Does that give the excuse that if "its just business" we do not have to act like human beings?  Does it mean that "in business" we forget about You?  I am not saying that this baseball player did anything wrong but it seems like this world has become more and more difficult to live in because if "its just business" there seem to be no human rules.  When people lose their jobs, lose their home, forced into poverty by others greed, we hear loud and clear "its just business".  All in the name of accumulating more and more. 

My prayer to You today, my Lord, is to help me deal with this way of thinking.  Everyone else seems to be excepting of it, but I don't nor do I want to.  Was this life on earth meant to be such a tug of war where the most manipulative and mean run over the fair at heart?  Or does it simply mean that what all of these others are fighting for, doesn't matter anyway?  I want to live in a world where power and money are meaningless for me to acquire and my focus is just on YOU.  But here is where the difficulty lies, there are so many filled with greed and getting and keeping the most they can, that the people who just get by are being robbed of what little they have by those filled with greed.  To live a simple life is even getting difficult.  All of that "getting" is not important to me but can I ask to stop being robbed? 

Your Kingdom, the Kingdom of Heaven is the only place I want to move to, my dear Lord.  I want to do your service on earth to get there.  Please help me find a way to survive here while so many are filled with greed and "just doing business".  Please help me to not be fearful of this but instead put all my faith and trust in You and the path you have for me.  I know that you have wonderful plans for my life and I look forward to those plans coming.  Please help me to always know that You are in charge and that every experience I have, difficult or good, is part of Your Plan for me.
Amen

Daily Prayer - Thursday- Oh to hear You!

Dear Father in Heaven,

I am just getting over an ear infection which has left me unable to hear in my left ear.  I am told that this is a temporary situation and that my hearing should be restored.  Up to this point, I have always felt that I had excellent hearing and have always been able to decipher sounds pretty clearly.  When I am at home at night when my husband is working, I feel pretty confident that my hearing will alarm me if something odd happens.  I wonder, dear Lord, if I have ever thanked you for that?  Now that I can not hear the same way, I miss so many things about living with good hearing.  I have to have people repeat themselves alot, I can not change hands while talking on the phone and things just do not sound the same.  Maybe, Lord, this is a blessing from You so that I may totally appreciate good hearing when it is restored.  One thing that I can count on is that when You, Oh Lord, speak to me, I will be able to hear no matter what condition my hearing is in. 

Is that not the way with our lives that we do not appreciate some gifts that we have been given until it is gone?  There is so much that we take for granted.  The older we get it seems, the more and more we get away from the amazement of what You have created in creating me.  You had a reason and purpose for blessing me with such great hearing and yet I never thanked You for it.  I want to take this moment for thanking You for blessing me with such good hearing in my life.  I definitely taken it for granted and for that, I am sorry.

Dear God, please change me to appreciate the gifts that you have blessed me with throughout my life and my life itself.  Please change me to realize how really special Your plan is for my life each and every day.  Sometimes I feel like my life is not worthwhile and I forget that I am the child of the Most High God.  You loved me before I was even born and  You continue to love me even when I don't fully appreciate what You do for me. Thank you for loving me and may my ears (whether I can hear well or not) always be open to hear You.  Every decision I make in this life, every word that I speak or write, I want to hear You!  I know that You are in control of my life and I want to follow your direcction.  Please help me to do this.

Amen

Daily Prayer - Wednesday-Making wishes come true???

My dear Heavenly Father,

As I look aroung at all of the Christmas commercialization, I am wondering where the concept of "making wishes come true" concept came from?  What does making wishes come true have to do with  Christmas?  All the Christmas shows are about someone making a wish for Christmas and having it come true.  It all of the sudden becomes important that needy children's wishes come true for Christmas when it doesn't seem important at any other time of the year.  People in "need" seem to pull at others heart strings during the Christmas season but you never hear about it for the rest of the year.  Don't get me wrong, it is great that people open their hearts at Christmas time and that maybe the birth of Jesus Christ brings the good out in people.  We need that in this world but what we need more is to have open hearts all year around!

Heavenly Father, please help me to be an instrument of Your peace and love throughout the year.  Help us, Your people, to keep sacred the real meaning of Christmas.  Help us to remember that You are in control of our lives and that Your wishes for our lives are what we need to focus on.  Wishes for material things are not of Your concern  and when Your people "have a nice Christmas" based on what gifts they recieve or do not recieve , it really takes away the unbelievable gift You gave to us when You sent your Son to be born as one of us.  Jesus's life is such a loving gift to us in so many ways because he taught us how to love you and that our lives hold meaning based on that love. 

Please help me to remember throughout these days that it is not about what I am able to buy for others that is important, but what I share about You and Your spirit inside me that matters.  Please help me to spread the message for Your people to turn to You for their needs. To feel the spirit of Christmas every single day of the year and to know that real wishes can always be put into Your loving hands.

Amen

Daily Prayer - Monday (talents)

Dear Heavenly Father,

This past weekend I watched the classic movie "Its A Wonderful Life" and after watching the movie I could not help but think about the importance of my life.  I am sure that many things would be different had I not been born but there are times that I simply do not see the purpose of my life.  I have read so many things to try and enlighten me on this.  Understanding follows but feelings don't.  To the depth of my being, I do not feel that my life is very important.  I know, I know, that is a terrible thing to say and admit to, but it is the truth about how I feel. 

I meditated on what was the best asset I had.  Since I do not own anything significant, my best asset had to be something inside of me.  Then I realized that I have a certain wisdom about YOU.  I am sure that many others also have a "certain wisdom" but I then realized that it did not matter how many others there were.  It is like I GET IT!  That is the purpose of my life.  My heavenly Father, I believe that what you want from everyone you create is to have a certain wisdom and understanding about YOU.  I do not want to feel any better than anyone else, mind you, I just want to feel happy and content with having this specialness.

Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ, for being born in less than perfect surroundings in a less than perfect situation.  You lived your human life not gaining to be better than everyone else, have more money than everyone else, live better than everyone else, but to spread the word of your Heavenly Father and teach us how to love Him.  They listened to you even though you appeared as average as could be.  Many thought you to be worthless or useless because you were a "nobody" and look at what you became! 

My dear GOD, I want to be more like your Son, Jesus Christ!  I want to stop struggling with day to day life and start living, daily!  I want to use the wisdom that I have been blessed with to show people a path to You.  I want, everyday, to feel deep down inside myself, the value of my life.  I want to fully recieve this wonderful gift that you have blessed me with and focus on that instead of things that really do not matter.  I want to get rid of the measurements of "success" that I brought myself up to believe and only measure my service to You.  Please change me, my GOD, to value the importance of the talents you have blessed me with.
Amen

Daily Prayer-Thursday- Your Power will come back on

Dear Heavenly Father,

There is something that I take for granted everyday, in fact, I do not know how to live without it.  I do not know how to function in this world without it and that is a bit scary.  It is electricity!  This morning our electric went out for about and hour.  I was already up getting the kids ready for school.  It just went out!  I found myself, sitting there, waiting and waiting for it to come back on.  I knew, without a doubt that at some point it would go back on but that I would have to change my morning routine a bit if it did not go on before I went to work.  I would have to not take a shower or wash my hair (how would it dry without a blowdryer), I could not make my lunch because you never want to open your refrigerator when the power is out.  I would not be able to put on make-up because I have a hard enough time seeing in my mirror with the light!  So I need to make some adjustments and things would be a little uncomfortable, but in the back of mind, I knew the power would come back on.

An so it is with faith.  That is the kind of faith I long to have with you, my heavenly Father.  When I hit a snag in life, I want to have that knowing deep down inside that "Your power will come back on"!  What is it about me that I am not there yet?  You, who have been there for me time after time after time and I still do not have that faithful knowing.  This financial crisis that we are in right now is an example of what I am praying about.  I really do not care about the money part, what I do care about is trying to find a place of peace inside me to not let this move me in the wrong direction, the direction of fear.  I know, dear Lord, that fear takes me away from You when all I want is to be near You!  I want to always feel deep down all the way to the surface that "The Power (You, GOD)" will always be there for me in any situation that arrives in my life.

I pray that You change me my Lord.  I ask you for your Grace and Mercy through the love of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you, dear God, for all the electricity you have made available in my life.  The ease of getting light, heat, air conditioning, fans, computers, tv's and much more.  Thank you for electricity because it really does make my life easier.  I use a machine to breathe better at night and I could not use it without electricity, thank you.  You have given me so much and sometimes all I think about is what I do not have.  Please help me to appreciate the abundance of your gifts to me and my family everyday in every way.  Praise to you my Father in heaven for loving me the special way that you do!

Amen

Daily Prayer-Wednesday-Your loving Grace sustains me

Dear Heavenly Father,

As I go through this day I ask You to grant Your loving peace and mercy on my husband.  We are knee deep into a deep financial strain, as You are aware of, and by the grace of You, he still gets up everyday and goes to work to support our family.  To him, everything was going along fine and then cuts in his pay caused us to have an even lower income.  We were just getting by before the cuts and now the cuts put our income below what we spend.  I have told him that we put our faith and trust in You, the almighty and my hope for him is that he can believe in that (because I, myself struggle with it).  What kind of prayer can I offer to You to help me have stronger faith?  Please show me the way, my loving God.

Being in this financial strain at this time of year especially, hurts.  As you see and hear all the commercials, it reminds you constantly of what others can afford, but what you can't.  But if I keep my eyes and ears focused on you, oh Lord, I realize that the only thing I need to afford is Your loving grace!  All that I have, whether it be thought of as much or little in this world by others, has come from You.  You, my almighty Father, have always made sure I have had what I needed to survive in this physical world.  Thank you for always being there for me, fighting my battles and making sure that me and my family had food and shelter.  Thank you for the patience You have for me when my faith is weak.  Thank you for always steering me in Your direction when my focus seems to wander on things that are only important in this ego based world but not in Your kingdom.  Thank you for the miracles You have performed in my life and to those I love most dearly.  I may not be able to afford "things" but I am rich in Your Love and Your blessings of which many people of this world do not recognize. 

In this world in which I live, it is so challenging to not get caught up in all the hype of Christmas and instead keep my eyes on our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Please change me, my Heavenly Father.  I don't want Christmas to be about what kind and how expensive of presents I buy for others.  I want it to be about the gift I am to You.  Like the little drummer boy giving his gift of playing the drum, that was an offering of the talent he was given by You.  Thank you for all the talents and special ways You have given me to use in this life.  My intention everyday is to use them for the purpose of better serving You!

Amen

Daily Prayer-Tuesday-Looking for Faith

Dear Heavenly Father,

I woke up today in good spirits, in praise and appreciation for what you have blessed me with.  Then some things happened that just sent me in another direction.  I feel like I am on the very edge financially and although I have been through these times before, all the pain starts flooding back to me.  I have declared that I put my faith and trust in You, but sometimes this gripping financial fear overwhelms me and takes over.  I went to blow dry my hair before leaving for work and the dryer would not work.  No matter what I did, it would not work.  I started to come unravelled.  I could not control my emotions.  I cried, I cussed and I just could not bring myself back to sanity.  I tried to murmur "I put my faith and trust in God" but there were no feelings behind it.  I am so sorry that I have such a lack of faith.  I do not know where it comes from and right now I am ashamed.

Please change me God!  I can not fix this problem on my own.  I know that you are so much bigger than this problem but I worry that my lack of faith will not bring You to me.  I am overwhelmed and I just want to feel calm and peace with your spirit that is in me.  I must function with my daily activities and I have to find some sort of peace.  On my own, I do not know how much more I can take.  But with You by my side, all things are possible.  As I write this, I start to feel Your loving power take over and peace begin to form. 

You have blessed me with so much.  Just the ability to go through such financial difficulties and be able to still stand is a strength that has come from You, a gift from YOU!  Thank you for always loving me even when I sin and when my faith in You is less than perfect.  Thank you for blessing me with an understanding family that loves each other through this.  Thank you that I have a job right now that gives me the freedom to be a parent to my children.  Thank you for the roof over my head, a working car to drive, hot water to bathe myself in and a healthy body that takes me where I need to be.  Please change me, oh Lord, to be happy, joyful and at peace no matter what my surrounding dictates. 

Amen

Daily Prayer-Monday-Everyone in your life is a blessing!

Dear heavenly Father,
I know that I thank you many times for the people in my life.  I usually thank you for them when they have done something nice or special for me.  I am truly blessed with some amazing, wonderful people in my life and I offer you praise and thanksgiving for bringing these people into my life.  Now, what about all the people in my life that might not appear to me to be so wonderful?  When was the last time I thanked you for them?  Probably not much, or sometimes never.  You know who I mean, the sister that seems so distant from me, the friend who always seems to stand in judgement of me, the co-worker who is difficult to get along with, the parent who I am just not connecting with, the extended family member who doesn't like me that much, the neighbor who seems to always be mad at me.  It is sometimes (most of the time) hard to think or feel that they are blessings to me.

But I know You, my dear God, and I know that every person that You have placed in my life is a BLESSING!  My human eyes might not see their purpose in my life but your God touch does and I must have total faith in Your infinite wisdom and know that ALL people are blessings in my life and that I need to treat them as such. 

Thank you, dear Lord, my God for loving me so much that you have put people in my life that challenge me, strengthen me, push me to higher levels, hold me to higher levels, teach me, hold me accountable, aren't impressed by the false me and just simply love me even when I have hurt them or have been unkind to them!  Thank you so much for these people because they are all a part of making me who I am and bringing me closer to You, Almighty Father.

Think of what kind of a world we would live in if each encounter with a human being, we stopped and thought about them being a blessing in our life.  Your perfect world for us would consist of love and appreciation for one another no matter who they were.  I think about the excitement I felt when I first started meeting the people in my husband's family while we were dating.  I wanted to feel a connection with each one of them because I felt that they were to be a part of my family someday.  I would love to feel that excitement every time I meet someone knowing that we are all a part of the same family...Your family!  We are all your children.  Every person that exists, exists because of a plan that You hold for them.  Wow, what a concept!

Please help me, oh Lord, to think about each person who crosses my path as a pure blessing from You.  Help me to take the time to help make the world I live in a better place by recognizing every human being as one of Your children and to treat them as such.  Just as I try to live my life never hurting You, so may it also be with Your children.

Amen!

Daily Prayer-Preparing for the Birth of Jesus

Dear God, my father in heaven,

Today is the first day of the season of Advent in the Catholic Church.  It is a time of eager waiting and anticipation for the birth of your son, Jesus, into this world.  Thank you for sending him to us in the way and manner in which you did so that he could teach us how to love You and show us the way to You.  Thank you for the gift his life was to us and all we have learned from your Son, Jesus Christ.  This season brings out the best of people and it also brings out their not so best.  Many people do not even really know the meaning or magnitude of this season.  Please show those of us who do know how to help those that do not better understand the real meaning. 

There are all kinds of "Christmas" movies and shows on TV.  Most of them have to do with a coming together in love, whether it be two people falling in love or a group of people working together for the benefit of others.  In this season as we prepare for Jesus's Birth, help us to all be more attuned with our fellow man, no matter who he/she is and no matter what is going on in their life.  To some, help is only given to those who appear to be at a "No fault" difficulty...meaning "through no fault of their own this ___________ ( you fill in the blank, illness, finacial hardship, addiction etc.) so it therefore makes them more worthly of the help.  Please help all people recognize that any other human being that is experiencing hardship of any kind deserve help because we are all Your children.  When Jesus died on the cross he did not carry with him a list of rights and wrongs and only died for the people who appeared to do everything "right".  Jesus died for us all and was born to save us all!

God, please help us to stop doing your job in judging others.  Please help us to have praise and joy in our hearts.  Please help us to look at everything and see your love for us.  Please help us to only let good things come from our lips and to hear the wonders of the world that you made for us.  Jesus was born to show us the way.  The Bible tells us how to live.  Please help us to draw from these lessons to learn how to live in love for each other and love for You!

Your daughter,

Learning how to pray

Well it only took 50 years but I think that I am on the verge of really learning how to pray!   Being brought up Catholic, we memorize prayers.  Rarely do we stop to think about the nature of the prayer or what the prayers means, we have just said it so much that it becomes second nature.  The prayers that we say in church have remained pretty much the same since I was a kid (and that was a long time ago).  Growing up, we said a prayer before meals and it was usually the "Bless us our Lord for these thy gifts" prayer and then when I was a teenager, that prayer changed.  My Dad started saying the prayer and it was something that he made up.  This was a really unique way to pray compared to the rest of our Catholic friends.  The times we spent the night at my grandparents house and how we would have to kneel down by the cross after dinner and say the rosary with them.  I really never understood why we did that until I recently figured out that many people do not know how to pray so saying memorized prayer was the only way.

Over the past 20 years while I have been searching around every corner possible to find a deeper meaning to GOD, I have found that the way that we pray says everything about the way we percieve GOD in our life. For years when I pray I usually thank GOD for the good things in my life and ask for the bad things to change.  Things like praying for a way to get a new car because the one I have is falling apart or praying for a way to get out of a financial mess.  When people have asked me to pray for someone who is sick or who has fallen on bad times, I would stop and say a prayer asking GOD that they get better.  I have also fallen into the habit of thinking that I know what is wrong with someone else and asking GOD to fix them.  This has happened many times in my marriage.  It is like "If he would just be more _________ (fill in the blank) I know that we would have a better marriage.  Please GOD, help him to be that way."  And, of course, do not let me leave out those times of being scared to death about something and begging GOD to get me through it.  This is typically the way I have prayed for the last 30 years. 

Then I read something somewhere that closed the gap for me.  Here is the question.  Why would GOD have anything to do with any request made by us that has to do with our worldly self instead of our heavenly self?  That is when I realized that the way I was praying was not quite right.  Mind you, praying, in itself is never wrong because you are acknowledging GOD and his power over us as well as showing faith in GOD.  That can never be wrong.  However, when you pray about "heavenly" things, you truly believe that your purpose here on earth is to get to heaven and how you get to heaven is by living a life of service to GOD. 

So lets see how this changes things. 

In asking for a way to get a new car, that simply is a prayer for my worldly self.  My heavenly self would pray, Dear God, I know you have my best interests at heart and will put the right opportunities in front of me for me to get around in this world.  Thank you for the vehicle I now have and the many uses and years it has given me. Help me to find your people that need transportation so that I may be of service to you in helping them get around in this world.

In asking to get out of a financial mess, also a prayer for my worldly self.  My heavenly self would pray, Dear God, forgive me for the mistakes I have made with money in my life.  Please change me in the way I think of money when it has to do with my importance in this world.  Please change me to use any excess of money that comes my way not in selfish ways but in ways that help me serve you better and to help serve the needs of others that do not have enough. 

When asked to pray for someone that is sick, my worldly self would ask GOD to make them better.  But I have faith to know that GOD has a plan for everyone and that GOD knows what is best, not me.  So my heavenly self would ask GOD that this person who is sick become closer to GOD and know GOD better as a result of this illness.  Praying for our body or anyone else's is a worldly thing.  The same holds true for someone falling on hard times.  Praying for them to not have hard times anymore is what we want for them but might not be GOD'S plan for them.  Asking GOD that they become more faithful and closer to HIM through their strife, is a heavenly prayer. 

Recently, a good friend of mine told me that when people ask her to pray for someone, she always says that she will but then doesn't.  This happens to me also and I would suspect happens to many others.  But here is the thing...when someone asks you pray for someone else or you tell someone else that you will keep them in your prayers, in essence what you are doing is making a statement that you do believe in a higher power and that you believe in having faith in your higher power to help you through your life.  It is an acknowledgement to another thay you believe faith with help you and help them., and that, my friend is heavenly!

Praying that another person changes is a worldly prayer.  It is laced with our judgement of what is right and wrong.  We are not the judge here, only GOD is.  To make our prayer heavenly would be to ask GOD to soften our heart to that person and to change us to be more loving and more accepting of them.  How many times I have asked GOD to please make my husband be a better husband and partner?  When I changed my prayer and asked GOD to help me be a more loving person and partner, things actually changed.  This is because when I asked GOD to make my husband better, that was placing judgement on him and that is worldly and has no room in GOD's kingdom.  But my asking to change me to be more loving is what GOD's kingdom is all about.

Now, for the times when I am scared to death and pleading with GOD, that also can change.  Praying in a heavenly way is to simply say, "GOD, I know you are with me and by my side right now.  I feel your love and I know you will be with me whatever the outcome may be from this.  Please let this experience grow my love for you."

Can you see the shift? 

Last day of the fifth decade of my life!

Yep, it is almost here!  Tomorrow is the first day of the sixth decade of my life!  Wow!  It is not sad in any way, in fact it is exuberant!  You just know that life is going to feel different.  Like what was soooo important for the first 5 decades is gone and now I am free to just live my life, on my terms in my way.  No one to impress anymore, no one to compete with anymore, no needing to prove that I am right anymore, no more living under someone else's rule, no more having sex if you don't want to, no more losing weight for a special occasion, no more spending time on anything or anyone that you do not want, always a daughter but no longer your parents child, no more focusing on the outer parts, now the focus is on the inner soul.  For some reason, this just seems to be the right time to make these changes!

God has blessed me with so much!  Not that what I have been blessed with will be easily recognized by others in this "loving things instead of people consumerism" world we live in right now.  It just doesn't matter if it is recognized by anyone else as long as I recognize it!

I have been blessed by a very large family with so many different personalities and gifts.  I have parents who are both still living and as well as all six of my siblings two brothers and four sisters.  We enjoy a good family life together, help each other out when it is needed and celebrate our spirituality with each other. 

I have been blessed with many nephews (13) and two neices on my side of the family who I have had the pleasure to watch them grow and become the wonderful people they are.  I am the Godparent of my nephew Drew and niece MaryBeth and have always felt very special to have been chosen for that role.  I pray for them always and keep a special place in my heart open for them.

I have 15 nieces and nephews on my husband's side of the family.  I haven't been able to watch them grow because by the time I came into the family, they were pretty much grown.  They are all very special to me.

I have been blessed with seven sister in laws and seven brothers in law all of whom I love and care for very much.  I have tow sister in laws that I am very close to and really treasure the friendships that we share.  I always look forward to family functions on both sides because I like to spend time with all the family. 

I have been blessed with the most wonderful friends that any girl could ask for.  Friends from a very long time ago to friends that I have just recently met.  Friends who really see and understand and celebrate me!  My life has been very colorful because of my friends and as I get older, I cherish each one of them more and more.  My friends and family have gotten me through some very dark times where I think I would have folded without them.

I have been blessed with good neighbors everywhere I have lived.  Neighbors who always look out for me and make me feel safe.  Some of them have been so precious to me that they will be my friends forever!

I have been blessed with awsome Aunts, Uncles and cousins as well as extended families on Leonard's side.  At various times in my life they have all played such important roles for me and I am so happy to have them all in my life. 

I have been blessed with two beautiful sons, each different in their own right.  They have precious personalities and are very good to their Mother.  They are helpful and challenging at the same time.  I would not trade any moment of any day that I am with them for anything in this world!

I have been blessed with a Husband who somehow "gets"me.  As strange as I am and as idiotic that I can be, he still "gets" me.  Our married life together has not been easy but as we are growing older, our appreciation for one another is also growing. 
All in all, I feel like God has surrounded me with the most amazing people!  Isn't that what life is all about. 

The next time I write, I will be 50!

Change your Haircolor, change your life.

I had decided a while back that I was going to dye my hair red for my 50th birthday.  Yes, the big fifty is just 3 days away!  On August 16th I dyed my well known Blonde hair to red.  I was born a redhead and have the features (and some say temperment) of a redhead.  My hair turned blonde when I was about 4 and stayed that way naturally until I was about 47.  Then I started getting blonde highlights.  When I picked the shade of red that I wanted, I decided to go with a color that was not really, really red.  I was too scared to do that.  The day I had it done, it was really, really red.  So much so that when I went past a mirror, I did not recognize who I was.  Then after a couple of days, it started fading and, if I do say so myself, looked really good.  It looked really natural, like this was the color I was always supposed to be. 

Now I have not recieved a compliment on my hair for years but everyone was commenting on it.  I didn't even care if it was a good comment, I was just happy to be noticed!  I was just loving it!  I have just felt a sense of confidence that I have not felt for a long time.  My sister Sue said that she thought it took alot of guts to do.  And I will admit, it did!  My friend Colleen, looked at me, really looked at me and I knew she liked it.  I just felt so good.  Last week, my brother in law, Lyle, had his 50th birthday.  As a gag, I bought him some "Just for Men" dark brown hair dye.  He is all gray righr now.  I told him is was a gag, but that the box and its contents were real.  I found out that he used it and dyed his hair.  I know he was feeling like he needed a change and that was an easy change.  I haven't seen him yet, but I promise that when I see him, I am going to really look at him.  The night of his birthday, we all went to the casino and I won big time.  I guess my red hair has also brought me blessings. 

It is as if I feel like I am who I am originally supposed to be!

What is the "RIGHT" way to live?

This question seems to be the way of the day.  I feel like I am surrounded by some hidden book somewhere that lists what the "right" way to live is and that the reward for living "right" is never having anything bad happen to you.  Just picture it, something tragic or bad happens to someone you know and the line begins to form of all the people who just knew what they did wrong in their life to warrant the situation.  As they are touching their chin, they say "Well if they would not have done such and such, this would have never happened" or "They had it coming because they did such and such and shouldn't have".  And it is in that momemt that we lose who we are as human beings.  It is in that moment that we become what is wrong in our world. 

If you eat in a certain way, you will be healthy.
If you excersize a certain amount of time, you won't be overweight.
If you go to the right high school, you will get in the best college.
If you go to the right college, you will get a good job.
If you get a good job, you will make alot of money.
If you make alot of money, you will never suffer financially.
If you make alot of money, everyone else will look up to you and want what you have.
If you raise your kids a certain way, they will be perfect and you will be a perfect parent.
If you marry the right man/woman your life will be perfect.
If you drive a new car, you won't have car trouble.
If you never risk any of your money, you will always be safe.
If you never go outside of the box that you are supposed to be in because of what you were born in to, you will be safe.
If you are thin, you are healthy.
If you are fat, you are unhealthy.
If you are thin and considered to be healthy, nothing bad will happen to your health.
If you do things the way everyone else does things and something bad happens, people will come out of the woodwork to help.
If you do things unlike the way everyone else does things and something bad happens, people will hide from you and hope to GOD you will not ask them for help.

And so it is...people who think that they have done everything "right" think that they are entitled to a life with very few problems.  I have to go back during my sister's battle with cancer.  I can not tell you how many people I ran into that said to me, "I just can't believe this happened to her. She just lost all that weight."  And I just wanted to say, "As opposed to all the people who are overweight!  Does that somehow make them more deserving to get cancer/"  Again, that is where the compassion line gets drawn.

I ofter wonder that if something happened to my health or if I died, would people think I deserved it because I have battled with being overweight my whole adult life.  Is battling cancer somehow more significant than the person who battles with obesity or who battles with type one diabetes?  I think most people would answer yes because they look at things according to whether they deem something as "self inflicted".  And there again is where compassion for your fellow man, stops short.

Choosing to be compassionate means holding back your own judgements and realizing that someone you love is hurting.  It is not for us to decide whether they have a right to be hurting according to our own list of what living "right" consists of.  But is for us to have compassion that they are hurting period and what can we do to ease the pain. 

When we lost our house, I wasn't looking for anyone to bail us out or give us money.  But what I would have appreciated was that those who I thought loved me, would love me enough to just talk to me about it.  Talk to my kids about it.  Talk to my husband about it.  Talk about how it felt to go through something like this.  Don't get me wrong, I did have some people that are close to me do things for me during that time that I truly appreciated and will never forget.  But it is those people that I thought I was close to that stayed away from me, that really hurt.  To be quite honest with you, I have never yet gotten over it.  I still feel like I walk around with a big chip on my shoulder saying "why weren't you there for me".  I try really hard to put it past me, but it is still there.  How many others experience this?  How many others feel shame about their situation of "bad luck" when they see others reaching out to do whatever they can to help someone else's bad luck?  It all comes down to what situations people think are due from living "right" or living "wrong".

A week away from 50!

Here I am, a week away from turning 50 and I feel the time is closing in on me.  Mind you, I am not worried about it or anything, I am just observing many things.  Since my body is currently overweight, I wonder about the inability to do many things.  I seem to run out of energy very quickly and the thought of doing some things frightens me.  Like, I would like to join the Mother's Club at my son's High School but it is a very active club that hosts many events.  I am at the point in my life that I do not like to be physically uncomfortable like standing for too long or being hot.  If I have to deal with that, I do not want to do it.  I do not know if it is this age or my physical condition or both that causes me to shy away from things like that.

So many changes.  So many things change.  So many things I want to change.  So many things that seem like they will never change!

I walk past a mirror and I do not recognize myself.  I have aged, I have grown bigger.  But when I am walking around in this body, I picture myself from 20 years ago.  The image I have of myself and the reality of myself are totally different right now.  It is no longer very important about the way I look.  Who is it that I want to attract?  Pretty much, nobody.  I do not think that anyone has even really looked at me for 5 years or so.  The other day my friend Colleen, was examining my new red hair and I noticed that she really took the time to look at me.  It felt good!  (oh, Colleen, what would I do without you!)

I no longer long to BE SOMEONE and accomplish something huge.  Instead I want my accomplishments to be simple.  I want people to want me to be around them.  I want the GOD in me to come shining through with everyone I look at.  I want everyone I come in contact with want to have the GOD in them come shining through just by being in my presence.

I sit with an elderly woman who will be turning 92 soon.  She tells me, in all her wisdom, that life begins at 50!  She did not tell me why, she just told me that in 40 years I would agree. 

I think that at momentous times of your life, like that with big birthdays, you take time to step back and look at your life.  You no longer want that which is not making you richer.  Not with money, but with sheer value.  Like you no longer have patience to spend time with people who you do not like to be around.  In years past, you do because you think you have to.  When spirituality is a huge part of your life and thinking process, it is almost irritating to be with people who do not posess it and do not care to possess it.  Your awareness seems to change and you start recognizing that some people who you thought were so spiritually connected, in fact are not and others that you thought were very spiritually disconnected have this hidden quality that you never knew.  Sometimes it can be a disturbing discovery and sometimes it can be quite nice.

You think you have all the time in the world to teach your children about the things that really matter.  You wait until they are older and can understand more.  The problem is that when they get to the point where they can understand more, ist the exact age that they do not want to listen to anything you have to say.  Then you feel like you are running out of time.  Like every time you can't control your anger and you yell at them, you think you have plenty of time to make it up to them.  Then you get to be this age and you realize that every day they have where they are perfectly healthy and able to think clearly, is truly a gift.  Because you know that becoming an adult with all the crap that comes along with it, is just around the corner and that then is when real problems come alive.  And you also know that it is going to take until they turn about 50 to have a value on life that throws away all the things that do not really matter!

After recently watching my younger sister fight tongue cancer, I have come to the conclusion that we should treat everyone in our lives as if they havc cancer (or maybe not).  I say this not to make anyone mad at me or minimize how grave of a situation fighting cancer is but to take a closer look at how we deal with the people close to us in our lives.  We are constantly judging what they are doing, decisions they are making in their lives, people they choose to spend time with as well as many other things.  We are so quick to jump in and tell them what they should and should not do, what is safe and what isn't and determine a possible consequence to their decision especially if it goes outside the boundaries of our own experiences.  When someone close to you has cancer, you interfere as little as possible.  You are so very careful about what you say to them because you do not want to make the situation any more difficult.  No matter how rediculous some of their decisions seem to you, you keep your mouth shut because you feel that what they are going through is hard enough, you do not want to make iany more waves in their life. You want them to be so strong, not only physically but spiritualy and emotionally.  You don'e care about their physical looks or judge them for it.  You pray for them every day.  You don't judge the cancer as if they deserved to get it because they didn't do everything right in their lives.  Instead, you have compassion for what is happening to them and feel that you would do anything to take their pain away.  You try to be the hero in their life by thinking of ways that will help them get through.  You are concerned about how the situation will effect their financial life and don't think it is fair that they suffer financially because of this.  No matter how wrong you think some of their decisions are, you step lightly in speaking about them or you do not step at all.  You defend their decisions to anyone who shows any opposition. 

Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer.  Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them.  Almost everyone has.  But did we treat them the same  way we treat someone with cancer?  Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes?  Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer?  It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives?  Where did the lines get drawn?  What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations?  Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control?  Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck?  Or is it luck at all?  If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body?  Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something?  Don't we realize that things happen to us all?  No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!

Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer.  But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives.  What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us.  He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A.  The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know.  The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else!  We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs.  If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live.  Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion.  We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.

We should treat everyone in our lives as if they have Cancer!

After recently watching my younger sister fight tongue cancer, I have come to the conclusion that we should treat everyone in our lives as if they havc cancer (or maybe not).  I say this not to make anyone mad at me or minimize how grave of a situation fighting cancer is but to take a closer look at how we deal with the people close to us in our lives.  We are constantly judging what they are doing, decisions they are making in their lives, people they choose to spend time with as well as many other things.  We are so quick to jump in and tell them what they should and should not do, what is safe and what isn't and determine a possible consequence to their decision especially if it goes outside the boundaries of our own experiences.  When someone close to you has cancer, you interfere as little as possible.  You are so very careful about what you say to them because you do not want to make the situation any more difficult.  No matter how rediculous some of their decisions seem to you, you keep your mouth shut because you feel that what they are going through is hard enough, you do not want to make iany more waves in their life. You want them to be so strong, not only physically but spiritualy and emotionally.  You don'e care about their physical looks or judge them for it.  You pray for them every day.  You don't judge the cancer as if they deserved to get it because they didn't do everything right in their lives.  Instead, you have compassion for what is happening to them and feel that you would do anything to take their pain away.  You try to be the hero in their life by thinking of ways that will help them get through.  You are concerned about how the situation will effect their financial life and don't think it is fair that they suffer financially because of this.  No matter how wrong you think some of their decisions are, you step lightly in speaking about them or you do not step at all.  You defend their decisions to anyone who shows any opposition. 

Now, think of all the people in your life who do not have cancer.  Think of the people who have, however, experienced something that was devastating to them.  Almost everyone has.  But did we treat them the same  way we treat someone with cancer?  Do we hold our judgements to ourselves and try really really hard not to judge them at all because we are not in their shoes?  Why do we not treat everyone in our lives the way we treat someone who has cancer?  It makes us feel so good to help...isn't that the way it should be with everyone in our lives?  Where did the lines get drawn?  What makes a health situation deserve a kinder treatment from us than any other of life situations?  Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies is beyond our control but everything else that happens to us is in our control?  Is it because we feel that what happens to our bodies are just the luck of the draw and therefore one who suffers because of their body just has bad luck?  Or is it luck at all?  If that is the case and we feel that our bodies are beyond our control, why do we judge others who have a less than perfect body?  Why do we allow people to tell others that they are in "risk" groups for something?  Don't we realize that things happen to us all?  No one has or can earn in any way a free pass to live a life where nothing bad happens!

Mind you, I am not minimizing the plight and fight of a person with cancer.  But, I am also not minimizing the plight and the fight of others who end up having difficulties in their lives.  What I am maximizing is that Jesus died on the cross for all of us.  He did not categorize our sins and say that he was only going to die for the sins that were on list A.  The compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for someone close to us that has cancer should be the same compassion and help that flows out of our hearts for every person we know.  The truth is, that every single human being has something that is eating away at them....if it isn't cancer, it is certainly something else!  We are so busy jusdging others based on what we think is right or wrong that we look the other way when it doesn't match our own beliefs.  If everyone could take that compassion that they give to someone that has cancer and use it on everyone that they know, our world would definitely be a different place for us to live.  Almost all of us have had someone close to us that was diagnosed with cancer so almost all of us have felt that compassion.  We do not allow our loved ones who are fighting cancer feel shame for this physical condition nor should we allow anyone else that we love to feel shame for any situation in their life.

30 days before turning 50!

My very good friend Colleen, cantacted me about a month ago and asked what I was doing on July 20.  Oh, the usual, get up, go to work, come home.  She asked if I could arrange to go into work late that day because it was my 50 before 50.  She decided that we were going to do something at 50 before 50, 40 before 50, 30 before 50, 20 before 50, 10 before 50 and on 50.  She doesn't tell me what we are doing until that day which just leaves me in eager and excited anticipation! 

I decided to take that same theme and write on my blog about the 30 days before turning 50. 

Mind you, I am not freaking out about turning 50.  All my friends have just about already been there and when I look at their faces, I see the same faces I saw of them in high school.  I do not feel 50, although I do not know what it is to feel 50.  My mindset is that of this is a turning point in my life.  This is the time where I can make some changes because I am thinking more about the changes in my age.  I can start some new things that I have always wanted to try.  Like dying my hair red, breaking free of the whiny, complaining woman that I have been since turning 40 and really being the servant to GOD the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.    George MacDonald wrote, "Which one is the possessor of heaven and earth: He who has a thousand houses, or he who, with no house to call his own, has ten at which his knock arouses instant juilation?"  Now that is the change that I am talking about!

Besides all the funny things that happen when we age, life is good.  I am noticing people my age have a harder time remembering who  they have said things to so I hear the same stories twice sometimes but the good thing about this age, is that we have the patience to listen to the story twice and the understanding that I coul do the same thing, so just listen. 

The electronic age is halfway in our lives and halfway out.  The other day my friend Colleen said that she was having a hard time texting because she was trying to send a message to a friend that was out of town and the message kept creating an error message.  The error message stated something about the area code.  So Colleen thought that maybe it was not going through because her friend was out of town.  I promptly informed her that to send a text message on her cell phone, the phone number in her address book needed to include the area code (something my generation doesn't think about).  I then confessed to her that I have no idea how to include numbers in my text messages.  If someone asks me to text a phone number to them, I have to spell out the numbers.  Colleen and I laughed and laughed at all of this!

Facing my demons

As I just read my last post which was over two months ago, we just finished hosting a fundraiser for my sister, she is halfway through her chemo and radiation treatments and I am still battling with my demons!

The mental and emotional toll that this whole "my sister has cancer" thing has been unbelievable.  Most nights I have gone to be telling GOD that I am sorry for being so bad.  OK, I will just come out and say it.  My family decided to host this huge benefit to help my sister financially.  She not only will have some medical bills to contend with, but also a loss of income during her short term disability.  OK, here it is!  I have gone through financial tragedy in my life also.  Where was all the care and concern from my family then!  Why did they choose to not help me but have spent the last 6 weeks painstakingly organizing this fundraiser for her?  Checks are coming in from everywhere!  Money is just piling on and I feel totally and utterly ashamed of myself that I feel this way. 

Do we as a society, feel that a health tragedy is somewhat more of a tragedy than others?  Do we feel like we want to do everything we can to help stabalize someone's financial life if they appeared to have done everything "right"?  If we deem someone "got what they deserved when their financial life fell apart, is then the decision made to "not help"?

Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to work my ass off hosting a benefit to raise money for my sister when my own financial life is still very difficult?  And I feel like I should be bigger than this.  I feel like I should appreciate what WAS done for us (and I do) and just let this go.  I really should, so why is it so hard?

I can not tell you how many times people came up to me and said "I can't believe this happened to HER.  She just lost all that weight and was so healthy!"  And I want so bad to say "So others who have extra weight somehow deserve to have cancer more than others who have lost weight/"  Come on people!  What if this stupid dieting stuff is what causes cancer!  What if the hatred and self loathing that goes along with making the decision to diet and dieting itself causes cancer cells to wake up?  You truly and honestly have to get a point of hatred and disappointment with your body to even begin a diet and then the deprivation that last during the diet is another factor. 

Being healthy means being free of compulsions.  If you have a weight issue, it is usually due to a compulsion.  Using food for anything else but nourishment is compulsive.  Many people use other things to numb themselves.  Being healthy and being a certain size do not go hand in hand, however, our society would like to make you think so.

And then there is the mind/body thing.  I have realized both before and during my sister's battle with cancer, that you can spend all your extra time and money on your physical body but when it comes down to it, your mind is what is going to heal your body.  So why would you not spend more time on your soul and spirituality than perfecting the body?

I continue to ask GOD to heal my sister as well as myself because this has brought up a whole new list of stuff that I need to fix about myself.

How long it has been!

When I realize that I have not written for two months, I can not believe how the time has flown by.  My last several posts had to do with my sister and her cancer.  My how things have changed.  She is probably no further along than she was.  She has had another surgery on her neck to remove some lymph nodes (some had cancer) and is now waiting to start radiation and chemo.  She has a battle before her.

I have had some demons to battle through this.  Yes, I know that I come across selfish by thinking about myself while my sister is suffering.  More about this later!

My sister had tongue cancer!

Two days ago at this time, my sister Peggy had tongue cancer!  Have you ever heard of it?  To my recollection, I never had heard of it.  In fact, when I heard that she may have it, I thought "well at least it wasn't in a serious spot".  Now after going through this, I can not believe I ever thought that.  I think it was because you never really hear about it. 

Back up about four weeks ago.  After my son's basketball game which both my Mom and sister Peggy attended, I asked them if they wanted to grab some lunch.  My Mom said yes but Peggy had something else to do.  While at lunch, my Mom said that she needed to tell me about Peggy.  She has a spot on her tongue that was not going away.  Her son had told her to get it looked at by a doctor.  Peggy went to her doctor and he told her that it could be a virus or cancer.  WOW!  He wanted to treat it with antiviral medication to see if it would go away.  If there were no results he would schedule her to have it biopsied.  Of course, we were all hoping that thing would shrink and go away, but it didn't.  She went for the biopsy which she said was extremely painful.  The results came back that it was benign!  Great!  Reason to celebrate!

Her doctor decided to treat the spot with steroid shots.  Very painful for her, but hey, at least it wasn't cancer!  I talked with her several times during this period and she really felt like she would put up with any pain associated with this, just thank God it wasn't cancer.  Then the Doctor that was giving her the steroid shots sent another sample of the tissue to pathology.  The call came on a Thursday night, it was Cancer!  I capitalize it now because over the next few weeks, Cancer was huge in our lives!  My sister Cheryl called while I was at a basketball practice and told me the bad news.  I froze!  I was only a few blocks away from my parents house and just felt like I needed to go there.  When I arrived, I found my Mom and Dad both in tears.  Their pain was obvious.  I just felt like I was there to try to calm them down.  I tried to console them as much as possible and asked them what they feared the most.  They both responded "death".  I wanted them to say this because I felt like I could work backwards with them and soothe them with all of the "she can beat this thing" talk.  I, myself, still wasn't feeling any kind of fear and I think I still felt like this cancer was not a serious cancer (what is the difference!). 

My sister Peggy lives upstairs from my parents so I decided to go upstairs.  She was in her room with all the lights off and I just went to her, hugged her and told her how sorry I was that she had to go through this.  At this point, I still did not know what "going through this" meant.  I remember thinking about all we do to avoid certain things in life.  If you go to the doctor and he says that your cholesterol is too high putting you at a risk for a heart attack.  So you go on a diet, start exercising more thinking that will protect you from having a heart attack.  Or you go to the doctor and he tells you that are pre-diabetic so you start making some food and exercise changes so that you don't get diabetes.  But there are no guarantees in life about your physical body and unfortunately this is one of those examples. 

Now you are probably thinking that if she just would not have smoked she could have prevented this.  And you would have good reason to think that.  But Peggy never smoked a day in her life.  In fact, she has led a very clean life at that!  She was in no risk group for this but yet she did get this.  How could this have happened to her?  We will probably never know.

Things started happening very quickly after this point.  The first two days, I was still feeling very selfish about the whole thing, wondering why when I went through some of my tragedies everyone wasn't scared to death for me at the time (they were but I was too victimized to see this).  Then I felt so guilty about the way I felt that I begged GOD to change me and he did.  I sat in front of my computer and decided to learn more about this tongue cancer thing.  I read and read about all the medical parts and felt like I understood what it was all about.  I still wasn't really changed or moved by what I read.  Then I stumble on to a site where people who had this cancer told their stories.  All I can say is that I went from 0 to 100 really quick!  I was so unbelievably amazed by what I read.  These stories gave me a whole new insight and understanding about this cancer.  I cried, I cried, I cried.  I could not imagine that my sister would have to go through any of this.  Every ounce of compassion I had in my heart poured out.  I was filled with this feeling of love, protectiveness, compassion and faith.  I had to talk to someone about this.  I wasn't looking to teach anyone what I had learned but I guess I just wanted to tell someone that I learned alot.  I immediately called another sister and just asked her if she had read anything about tongue cancer.  She very abruptly informed me that you can not trust what you read on internet sites.  I was a bit blown away by that response.  Do you think that I am stupid or something that I do not know how to differentiate what I read about?  Do you think I am just a sponge for bad information?  I read about real people with real stories for heaven's sake!  I quickly got off the phone and felt my bubble begin to burst.  After all, how could we be of help to Peggy if we had no idea what it was that she needed help with?  I sat down and started to tell my husband about what I was feeling and it was like I hit a brick wall!  "This is happening to your sister, not you," he said.  "Why are you getting involved in this, it is not your problem so just stay out of it".  I was furious with him about this and in my head I just kept thinking "She is my sister and she is in pain, I feel some of that pain"!  I felt an overwhelming need to help her.

At this point I need to tell you a little bit about my sister.  She is 15 months younger than me and is 48 yrs. old.  We have been very close at different stages in our lives and we have also had times where we have been very distant.  We are pretty much opposite personalities and always have been.  I have 6 siblings all together and for the most part, we are all close.  Peggy and I have led very different lives.  She is very practical and I am not.  She sort of lives her life according to a plan of cause and effect.  If you do this, you will get that.  If you do this you will never have to worry about that, etc.  Even though I started my life like that, I am not like that now.  I have always felt that Peggy was a rather selfish person and rarely extended herself to help others unless it elevated her in some way.  I do not know if this is really how she is or if that is just the way I have viewed her.  She has had her share of ups and downs and at this point in her life, is single.  She has a son who is 19 and away at college so her time is mostly her own.  She is a very private person compared to the rest of us and you will rarely, if ever, find her talking about anyone else. unlike myself.  She has always been the athlete of the family and is more health conscience than the rest of us.  My relationship with her has had many peaks and valleys but she is my sister!

The day after my epiphany, I was with Peggy and the rest of my family after church.  It was never my intent on sharing with Peggy what I had learned and read about, I just wanted to somehow let her know that I kind of understood.   I told her that when she had surgery I would make sure that she was not alone for one minute while she was there.  She was a bit comforted by that.  A couple days later, she had the big appointment with the surgeon.  My other sister went with her to take notes and be her advocate.  They left the appointment both feeling like she had a new lease on life.  He was very positive that it was small and had not traveled and that he could get it all with surgery.  They were going to set it up at outpatient surgery.  I have not idea what the difference is and believe that it has something to do with insurance.  I knew, from what I read, that when they get in there during surgery, things can drastically change depending on what they find.  I did not share any of this with her, why would I?  The next day she was scheduled to get her CAT scan to get a better picture of her lymph nodes and to do her pre operation interviews completed.  My Mom and I accompanied her to that appointment.  It was all so surreal!  Peggy just did what she was told and seemed to be going through the motions.  What else could she do?

A friend of mine had suggested that I put something together to help Peggy communicate after surgery in case she could not talk.  Since that was a real good possibility, I made a notebook with questions for her and lists of phone numbers of people she may want us to contact.  I also wanted a journal kept of everything that transpired at the hospital so others in my family could have some sort of continuity should we need it.  At this point I had no idea if any of this would be necessary, but I wanted to have it just in case.  I decided that I would  be the one in my family that would stay over night with her in the hospital if it came to that.  I felt like I had the best situation to allow me to do this.  I also set up a schedule for the day of surgery so that there would always be someone there and someone with my Mom so she would not be there by themselves.  My sister in law thought I was over the top with all of this and let me know it.  Mind you, no one read what I had read.  I kept those stories in my heart so that I could be more helpful to Peggy.

The day of surgery came.  Everyone in my family including Peggy believed that the surgery would take about 45min., recovery about two hours and then she would leave and come home.  That was the plan.  Instead, surgery was delayed a couple of hours and once surgery was done, they were told she would have to stay overnight.  The surgeon reported that everything went as expected, that they removed a quarter size lesion and about 1/4 inch of her tongue.  He believed he got it all.  There was still some concern about a lymph node that came back on the CAT scan but they would look it over in about a week.  As soon as I got the word, I packed an overnight bag, gave my kids some instructions and was off to the hospital.

When I first saw her, I remember feeling very relieved that she had no swelling in her face.  She seemed very calm but still very concerned.  She did not talk but expressed to us that she was in pain.  After everyone was finished visiting with her and left, it was just me and her together to get through the night in the hospital room.  She had a quiet night but I could also see in her much concern.  As she tried to break through the pain and swallow, you could see the strain.  She communicated that her throat was raw (from the tube in surgery) and that she had alot of phlegm.  She did not drink or eat anything but did take some ice chips.

The next morning she just wanted to leave and go home.  When the doctor came in, he told her to start talking and that she would not be able to leave until he knew she could eat soft food and keep it down.  Determined that she was going home that day, she did what she needed to do.  So far, so good!

I need to summarize this whole thing at this point.  So many miracles to share with you.  First is that Peggy even mentioned this thing on her tongue to someone who immediately told her to get it looked at.  That person was her son whose opinion she treasures.  Had it been someone else, that might not be what she was told.  Second, her doctor did not excuse it away as unimportant.  He immediately got the ball rolling.  Three, that after the first biopsy of a benign result, her doctor took another sample and sent it to be evaluated.  Had he not done this, she could have gone through months of not doing anything while the cancer kept growing.  Fourth, that it was caught early and because it was, it was manageable.  There are other miracles that have happened along the way that came about because of Peggy's cancer that have to do with relationships.  She was able to get rid of the cancer but the miracles will be here forever.

God is responsible for these miracles.  When you ask someone to pray for your sister because she is facing surgery associated with cancer, it is sometimes hard to know what to pray for.  I have learned that it is not up to us to know the answers for someone with cancer.  We have no idea what purpose is served by it.  Only GOD knows that.  But when we do pray for someone, GOD hears us and miracles happen.  They may not be the exact miracle that we hope for but they are miracles none the less.  GOD wrapped his loving arms around my sister and GOD took care of her through all of us and through all the people who cared for her medically.  I can't imagine that a day will ever go by that I do not THANK GOD for this!

After the shock wore off!

Ok, after the initial shock has worn off a bit, I find myself deeply compassionate about the plight of my sister who had been diagnosed with tongue cancer.  I had felt kind of numb for the first day after hearing her diagnosis and I felt guilty about not feeling like crying. I was so very niave to think that all she had to do is go in for a "minor" procedure and get it taken out.  In and out, no big deal.  Then something told me to learn more. 

 On Saturday night, I decided to educate myself the best I could on this subject of tongue cancer.  I googled as much as I could.  Many sites delivered great material technically and clinically, but I felt I still wanted to learn more.  Didn't know what I wanted more of, I just knew I wanted more.  I stumbled on a site that gave personal stories about people who had gone through this. I read story after story as my heart started to break.  Then the tears came and did not stop.  I now realized the severity of the cancer my sister was going to undertake.  I knew that it had a chance to go relatively easy, but I also knew that it could end up be extremely debilitating!  Just the feeling of the unknown was a hard pill to swallow.  I could not imagine how it felt to her.  My heart really, really went out to her. 

I decided then and there that I would do whatever was necessary to make sure that she did not feel alone at any time during this ordeal.  All the differences we ever had in the past were just erased in that moment.  Now all our focus was on her getting past this. 

During this epiphany of mine, I felt all kinds of feelings.  I felt guilt, I felt stupid, I felt jealous, I felt compassion, I felt relieved it wasn't me.  I really am ashamed that I felt this way.  It was like I couldn't get to a place of helping her until I got ME out of the way.  I do not like that part about me.  I was feeling really bad about all of this, begging GOD to change me as well as asking for His mercy and forgiveness.  I started to think that I was a horrible person and that maybe, in fact, I had always been horrible and just did not know it or I justified my actions in order to not believe it.  I was in quite a state, questioning my whole life, looking for answers. 

Then, today, GOD answered my prayers.  I usually listen to music on my Ipod while I take a walk.  But today something told me to listen to something else.  I made the selection of Echart Tolle - The Power of Now.  It is a long book and I just happened to pick the chapter about being in the NOW.  Letting the past die every moment.  That nothing mattered except this present moment.  Then WOW...I realized that it didn't matter who I have been in the past, that I can choose this very moment who I want to be and be it!  I was falling down a slippery slope and was able to catch myself before I fell too much!  Thank you GOD!

Don't live not to die, live to live!

Yesterday, we found out that my sister has cancer.  She is 48 yrs old.  Not that age has anything to do with it.  It is not a life threatening cancer per sey, however, cancer is cancer.  It can sometimes attack with a vengence and sometimes it can be taken out never to be seen again.  When I heard the news, I felt rather panicky.  I went to my parents house and found them in a state of disarray.  They were both very upset and crying.  It is so hard to see your parents in pain.  I hugged both of them and all I wanted to do was to make them feel better.  I then went upstairs to where my sister lives.  I just hugged her and told her how sorry I was that she had to go through this.  I wanted to keep it simple.

She is one of my sisters who has gone on this diet over the last year and lost so much weight that she truly looks sick.  She has exercised herself to oblivian (involved in bicycle riding) and spends most of her time doing that.  She used to go to church with us on Sunday's but instead, now goes bicycling.  She went on the diet originally because when she had a physical, her numbers were not good.  Now I ask myself, not good for what?  She spent the last year dieting and massively excersizing  to get her numbers down so that she would not have health issues only to develop cancer.  I kept thinking, "Live the life that you have".  Don't live not to die, live to live!  You can practically kill yourself to prevent something from happening in your life with your health but something else can just pop up that you were not expecting.  That is because life is not written that way.  Boom, anything can happen.

I personally think that in this world most people live to avoid dying.  Everything they do is to prevent death.  They eat not to enjoy their life, they eat to prevent death.  We have been sold a bill of goods by our surrounding experts, the doctors, the celebrities, the media, about what is good for us and what is not.  You are led to beleive that if you eat what is not good for you (in their terms) you will develop some disease that will ultimately lead you to death.  Look at the thing with cholesteral.  That is one of the numbers that people really pay attention to.  If the number is too high, you are at risk for all kinds of things.  Well I am here to say that everyday of our lives, we are at risk for all kinds of things!  We were put here to live our lives in happiness, peace and harmony.  Do we do that?  Or do we spend most of our lives being afraid to die and doing things that we do not like. 

Now I know that many of us have eating compulsions and that we turn to food for a moment of happiness.  God help us, I am not saying that is happiness.  In fact, that is misery.  But many of these compulsions develop from a fear of death.  We come to the point where we are afraid to live.  Lets work on not being that way.  Lets work on living in the present moment and enjoying this moment that we have now.

To my sister, May God wrap his loving arms around you so that you feel his love every moment that you go through this situation in your life.  May your Love for GOD grow each day as you see him work miracles in your life.

Is your Mother part of your weight problem?

Before I go any further I must say that I am very fortunate and blessed that I am almost 50 yrs old and my mother is still alive and well.  I have always had what I thought was a good relationship with my Mother.  Besides my teenage years, I was never really at war with my Mother and felt as if she was my friend most of the time.  She is a great person and very well liked amongst her peers.  We have a close family and I totally contribute that to her. No one is perfect and everyone has issues including my Mom.

Just recently, as I have started learning more about myself and how this body of mine has become so overweight, I have recognized how much of what I believe has come from my Mother.  She is overly weight conscience and always has been.  Her Mother was very overweight and I think that it grossed her out a bit. My Mother has been on a "diet" most of her adult life.  Once a year when she goes for her check-up, if her numbers are not "correct" she goes on a diet.  Then we all congratulate her on how well she did and it all starts over again next year. 

There have been so many messages delivered to me and my sisters about weight over the years from my Mother that it is no wonder each of us suffers from food issues.  When I was young, my oldest sister just did not like hardly any food.  She maybe had 3 things that she liked and that was it.  Meal time was very stressful because she got to a point where she refused to eat the food my Mother made for her.  I remember how horrible it was that my Mom shoved food down my sister's throat to make her eat.  I witnessed this all and had a deep compassion for my sister and really hated what she had to endure.  I tried to talk to her to get her to cooperate more with the food issues, but she was who she was. 

Being one of 7 children, I distinctly remember how hard it was to get individual attention from my Mom.  When one of my siblings did something that made my Mother mad, upset, angry or whatever, I learned that if I did the opposite, I would be the HERO in my Mother's eyes, the one that would make my Mom happy!  Since my sister had given my Mom so much grief by being a picky eater and not eating, I became the opposite of her and always finished everything on my plate and ate everything my Mom made no matter what it was or how bad it tasted.  I was in heaven!  I was praised and worshipped by my Mother because of how well I ate!  She used me as an example of how a daughter SHOULD be and I was at the top of the world (or so I thought).

I was never overweight as a kid, in fact, I was tall and thin until I was in my twenties.  I was very active and that is what probably helped because I had a major appetite for food the whole time I was growing up.  I ate everything on my plate always because in our household of nine people, it was a sin to leave anything on your plate.  There was never enough food.  By the time everyone passed every dish of food around the table, my Dad was the last one to take his portion and he cleaned up every bowl.  I can remember feeling sad when one of my favorite dishes was almost gone by the time it got to me leaving me with a very small portion.  I was the one, however, that if there was anything left, asked if I wanted to "clean it up".  Somehow getting my Mother's approval with food became the way to be for me.  And it never stopped even when she was not eating with me.  Somehow that feeling I got of approval when I was a kid by being a "good eater" has never left me and I have identified it with "If you don't approve of what and how I eat, you don't really love and accept me."  Even though I capitalized on the situation with my older sister, it scared me to think that she might not be loved by my Mother as much because she had issues with food.  I also still feel like there is never enough food, that when the bowl gets to me there will not be enough left to satisfy me.

That brings up another point.  Eating was very much a routine in our household.  We had breakfast, lunch and dinner, pretty much at the same time of day every day.  There was no eating between meals whatsoever.  If you became hungry at anytime between meals, you just had to suffer until it was mealtime.  I remember times when I was so hungry by the time we ate I felt like I had to store it up.  Now I do understand why my Mother did it this way.  When you have seven kids, it could leave quite a mess, not to mention the cost of allowing your children a snack.  There had to be some sort of control system in place.
Fast forward to my life now.  My Mother is the same way in many ways but you win her approval when you are dieting.  She is either overly proud of the fact that she isn't overweight and likes to point out others that are so that she can pat herself on the back or she truly judges your character based on your ability to diet and lose weight.  It is almost like the will power it takes to endure a diet is a virtue.  Last night I stopped in for a visit and she starts telling me about her friend who had a luncheon for friends.  Her friend hosted the luncheon because she is very overweight and is on a strict diet so she decided she would feel better if she made food for her friends.  One of the women in the group was told by her doctor four months ago that she had to lose weight, her health depended on it so she was put on an extremely strict diet.  For some reason my Mom seemed to take delight in this and, at that time, told me about the suffering of her friend.  Then this second friend, the one giving the luncheon, decided to follow that same strict diet so that she too could suffer and lose weight.  Whenever my Mom would talk about this whole thing to me, I would always ask her if these two women were at all trying to find out why they had a weight problem in the first place.  My Mother would always answer me with the same blank look "because they eat too much". 

As my Mother is telling about the luncheon, she describes all the food that was offered and then tells me that her two "dieting" friends had their piece of chicken the way they were allowed to eat it.  The dieting friends also had a tiny little dessert that was allowed on their diet made separately than everyone else's food.  Mom acted like she was so proud of them that they could be at a luncheon with all this food and eat their bland chicken and tiny dessert.  Then she added, "and Nancy has lost 38 pounds, isn't that great!"  To which I added "it doesn't mean anything unless they keep it off." She just shrugged like as if to say "What do you know?"  So the short time that I spent visiting with her was all about food and what her friends are doing about being overweight. Why are these the conversations that my Mom wants to have with me.   I really can't tell what her motives are or if there are any but it seems like her life evolves around it.  My sisters, to this day, if they are on diets and losing weight, they are in my Mother's good graces.  She high fives them, she tells them how proud she is of them and acts like they are the be all to end all.

The question you might be asking yourself is why, at the age of 50, is your Mother's approval so important to me?  It no longer is since I have recognized this pattern.  I have had to get my Mother's voice out of my head and get a different voice in my head, MY OWN.  I have had to realize that what my Mother thinks about food and weight is HER experience and that it doesn't have to be mine.  I have had to realize that if my Mother determines the value of someone by either their ability to lose weight, their food issues or their current size, that is her problem, not mine.  I just always thought that my Mother was so good and that if she placed that much value on it, it had that much value!  This is just not true. 

I have come to realize that my Mother will not congratulate me or high five me for learning what my compulsion was with food and ending it, surviving the past 10 years of my life through great personal strife, losing our house, losing our status and still being a positive, faith filled, OK person!  Well I am going to High Five myself then!