Ho Hum!

I have one teenage son (14) and my other son is preteen(12) and I am going crazy! Their minds are no longer little, they are medium sized which means they do not yet think like an adult, but they try to reason like an adult in conversations (or arguments) with adults! They sound absolutely rediculous about most things and make very little sense, but boy can they stimulate anger! It occurs about every day with me. I am a yeller (and a curser) and I have felt my blood pressure literally leaving my body. Then I get mad at myself for getting so mad at them and go through the whole guilt thing and feeling like the worst parent in the world!

I wonder if my anger that seems to be spewing so abundantly lately is partly due to the fact that I used to "eat my anger"! When I felt so angry, I would mindlessly eat. I would leave the house and go get something, anything to eat and I felt like that calmed me down. The food was my medication. Now I am just really feeling the anger and have not found a way to numb it. I actually do not want to numb it because once it is felt and released, it is over. I used to be angry about things for days, weeks even, and now I just let it all out and then it is over. Granted, the people I live with are quite taken back by this, but I am also trying to explain to them that this is how I deal with my anger right now. I hope that I will get better at dealing with it because sometimes I name call when I am angry and I do not think that is good. I am just kind of glad that I am not eating my anger anymore. It is a big step for me!

I was just thinking today, as I am anticipating a getaway weekend with my Mom and sisters in two weeks, about how people are recognized when they lose weight. It is usually in the form of "Wow you look great", "You look so much younger", "You can really tell in your neck", etc. No one ever recognizes a really important step in resolving food issues like when you stop using food to eat your anger. Only the outside changes are recognized. I really think that is a shame and I plan on not acknowleging weight loss in any one in any way. It is a personal journey and I just do not happen agree on the process others choose. What does that have to do with my getaway with my family...the majority of them are currently on diets and I am the odd sister out because I am not.

I also had a realization today that after everything I have been through in the last 10 years, I am the lucky one because I am not trying to accumulate or one up on everyone. None of that matters to me anymore. I no longer feel that life is a game and may the "best" man win. I am out of the game and I am so glad to be. None of that matters to me anymore. I do not have to fight the fight anymore because it just doesn't matter. What does matter to me is that I get to Heaven. To get there, my main purpose must be love and to always strive to chose love. Putting yourself above others for any and all reasons, whether it be money, power, where you live, how much the house is that you live in, what school your children attend, what college they get into, what field they try to excel in to be the better than others is not about love. It is about something misunderstood in what Jesus taught us. And if what you are doing in life is not about love, then it is meaningless. I am not perfect at this, but it is my purpose!