Snow Day

Recently I was involved in a conversation with a friend who has 7 children. They are teenage and older, some at college. She was talking about how she always worries that she will run out of food. Teenagers have a habit of taking whatever they want whenever they want from the frig and the cupboards. It brought to mind with me what I grew up with and how that has formed my eating habits today. We also had a family of 7 children. There were very strict rules about food in our household. We were not allowed to go into the frig and take out anything and eat it. We ate three meals a day and snacks of Friday nights. I have often been critical about the way my parents were with food because I think it has caused so many of my siblings as well as myself to have issues with food that has caused weight problems. I can now understand why they did some of the things they did. But here is how it effected me. I feel like there is never going to be enough. I walked away from the table when I was growing up many times feeling unsatisfied. Either we had food that I did not really like, or we had something I really liked but could only have a little of. There were no seconds to take of anything. There was just enough for all of us.

I have always had the feeling of not having enough but really it is not having enough of the food that I really like. Even now when I go grocery shopping, I find that I buy things that will stretch. Things that will be easy to prepare. Getting the best bang from my buck. When we went through our financial crisis, I was more worried about not having money in my pocket that gave me the freedom to buy whatever and however much food that I wanted. When I am eating something that I really like, I never want it to end. I make food choices based on what will take a long time to eat and big meals, big portions so that I feel an abundance of food in front of me. My home is filled with easy food, not really food that I like or want to eat. What would happen if I filled it with food that I loved? When I go out to eat, I experience that feeling of abundance. I get the feeling that I make choices based on the size and it is always something that is large. It is as if I am telling myself that this is the only area of my life that I feel abundance even if it is only for the next 30 minutes. I allow myself to splurge on food because I do not feel like I can splurge on anything else. No matter how bad the overeating has been, it filled the purpose of making me feel abundant in at least one area of my life. I just want to get rid of that feeling. I want to just eat because I am hungry. I don't want to fill an abundance fantasy with food. It is not doing well for me.