Doesn't it seem, at times, that when it rains, it pours! I often wander about these times in life when things just seem to pile up and I try to see the lessons to be learned. After, once again, going through a really tough financial strain for the past two months, it became worse (although I thought it could not be possible) when the elderly lady that I care for, fell and ended up in the hospital. My job is caring for her and with one swift move, my job was over. If she recovers, it will be months before she will come home. I felt that familiar panic set in and did my best to stave off the fear that was building up inside me. A voice from within told me this time I need to have faith and not fear!
It seems that this pattern has come into play so many times in my life. I wonder if the same holds true for others. It may not be about finances but perhaps something else. I can't help but feel that it keeps happening to me because I am somehow bringing it to me. Through my pattern of thought and the history of my fears, somehow, I was bringing this to me! It is the same routine. Some financial bad news comes and I react in a sheer panic, "What will we do, how will we ever make it through this!" Then my mind starts churning of how to make this work. How do I cut even more when we were already at the very edge? Then I talk to GOD and tell him that I trust HIM and even suggest ways for HIM to get us out of this! Trying desparately to have faith that GOD will come through for us but not really feeling it. Scared, frightened, lonely and sad. Then getting to the point where I think we weathered the storm only to be hit again.
Determined to not let the same old patterns set in for me, I decided to change the way I handle this storm. I truly decided to put it in GOD'S hands and to know that everything was going to be OK. I also discovered that one of the reasons I have, in the past, made it seem like I was so upset about my financial situation and that the situation was desparate was because I did not want to shut off the possiblity of recieving help. It was like if I admitted that things were rough and was sad and upset about it, others would want to help me. But if I showed and spoke of faith and declared that I was at peace knowing that GOD would help me, no one would help me. I almost can not believe that this is what I was doing. That was the epitomy of faithlessness!
Then there came upon us, yet another storm! My husbands car, which we tremendously depended on, stopped working. It was almost too much for me to bear. The feeling of giving up ran rampant through my veins. How could this happen when we were already on the edge? Again, I felt myself fighting for faith as my very limited human brain thought of who, what, when and how may be able to help us. It then became so overwhelming to me that I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO DROP ON MY KNEES AND ASK GOD TO HANDLE IT! I know deep down inside that GOD doesn't want us to use HIM as a last resort but as the first resort we turn to. How could I have lived 50 years and still not get that?
Now, I had to ask for forgiveness. Please, dear GOD, forgive me for having so little faith. Why did I have so little faith? I meditated about the answer for that question. I realized that when we were going through our financial strain in 2009 when we lost our house, that I had at that time also asked GOD for help. All I could see was that the end result was in losing our house so, deep down inside, I felt that GOD did not help. Even though, I would not have admitted that. Then I quickly realized, which I hadn't before, that GOD's help doesn't necessarily come in the form of avoidance of something "bad" happening to us, it comes from helping us get through it! When I look back on that time, I can see and acknowlege the many, many ways that GOD brought us through it. It was by the grace of GOD and his hands that we made it through it with our family in tact, our marriage in tact, our health in tact and many other things!
I have now learned to change the expectation of GODS help in my life. I feel even more at peace knowing that whatever it is that I go through in life, GOD is by my side carrying me through it all!
I know that GOD has great things in store for my life. I am open and ready for anything that HE needs from me. My life is HIS!
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